Bend and Not Break
by Francesca Jones
Summary: Jess knows he has to leave. He needs to face the horrors of his past. He needs to figure out his life, and how to fix all the mistakes he's made. Will the journey lead him back to her? Literati. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**Bend and Not Break**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**A/N: **What if Rory had gone after Jess at the end of _Max! Keg! _? How would things have played out differently? Well, we're about to find out. Reviews are good things!

* * *

"Jess!" Rory called helplessly.

Jess stood there staring at Rory with intensity in his eyes, and if Rory was willing to admit it to herself, she'd know that there was fear in those eyes as well.

Jess continued to stare at Rory for a moment, wearing a mask of indifference. The longer they stared at each other though, the more that mask began to falter. Quickly, Jess turned on his heel and stormed away.

Rory stood there for a second, unsure of what to do. Jess was walking away, again. Rory felt tears begin to well up in her eyes, but was distracted by the distinct sound of retching. She turned around and saw Lane, vomiting in the bushes.

"Lane!" Rory exclaimed, hurrying over to her best friend and wiping the tears from her eyes. Rory took Lane's hair in her hands and looked back at Jess's retreating figure as it grew farther and farther away.

Rory looked down at Lane and began to rub her back. "There you go. Just get it all out." She said, trying to be soothing.

At that moment, Dave walked by. His shirt was a little torn from his accidental fight with Young Chui. Rory looked up at him. "Dave!" She said. "Take care of Lane, ok? Let her finish throwing up and get her home." Dave just looked at her, confused and a little unsure. "Please, Dave?" Rory pleaded. "I have to go after Jess."

Dave sighed and nodded. "Alright."

Rory smiled gratefully at him. "Thank you so much, Dave. Lane," She said, looking at her friend, "Dave's gonna get you home. I'll see you tomorrow." Lane didn't give a response, and Rory quickly ran away in the direction where she last saw Jess.

* * *

Jess sat on the bridge, staring miserably into the water. He took a long drag from his cigarette and exhaled with a cloud of smoke.

"You really need to get less predictable, mister." Rory said weakly, walking up to him. She sat down next to him and stared ahead of her in silence.

"You shouldn't be here." Jess said, gruffly. "Just go home."

Rory's chin began to shake as she fought back tears. "I can't do that." She said softly. "I thought you quit with those things."

Jess shrugged. "Calms my nerves." He mumbled.

"Oh." Rory said. She reached over and plucked the cigarette from his fingers before he could protest. She brought the cigarette to her own lips and inhaled deeply. Her face paled, and then turned red as she began to cough. The cigarette slipped from her hand into the water and she continued to cough. Jess smirked and began patting her on the back.

"I can see how the severe coughing fits could be relaxing." Rory said, still breathing erratically and coughing a little.

Jess took his hand away from her back and just shook his head. "You didn't do anything." He said, looking down at the water.

"Then what happened? What's all this about?" Rory demanded, brushing away some tears.

"I didn't get the prom tickets." Jess said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the pack of cigarettes. He tried to pull one out of the pack, but Rory's hand quickly snatched the pack away from him.

"And therefore decided to try to ruin everything?" She asked, confused.

Jess smirked tightly, anger entering his voice. "I screwed up. I screwed everything up." After a moment he added, "I'm not graduating."

"What?" Rory asked, shocked. "Of course you'll graduate! You've got a professional student right here! I'll tutor you and you'll pull up your grades and maybe you can talk to-."

"No, Rory!" Jess exclaimed. "I'm _not_ graduating. I can't. I missed too many days. I can't do anything to fix it, except repeat my senior year."

The two sat in silence for a long while. Rory handed the pack of cigarettes back to him. "I guess you do need these."

Jess took the pack, looked at it for a moment, and then threw it into the lake. The tense silence hung between them, enveloping them both.

"You didn't do anything." Jess said to Rory, finally looking over at her. "None of this is about you. It's about me. I screwed up. I _am_ screwed up."

"I've always known that." Rory said, looking him in the eyes.

"I'm trying to break up with you here, Rory! Don't make it so hard." Jess exclaimed, exasperated. "I'm no good for you. You need someone better."

A tear slid down Rory's cheek, but she still let a small smile play on her lips. "Well, see there's a problem with that." She said. "I don't want to break up."

"Jesus, Rory!" Jess said, pushing himself up and standing over her. "I've got nothing! I'm not graduating, I'm probably gonna lose this job at Wal-Mart now that my car's gone, and Luke's gonna kick me out! You're going to Yale. I have nothing to offer you!"

Rory jumped up. "So that's it? It's just going to be over?"

"Why shouldn't it be?" Jess demanded, storming off before Rory could answer, not that he expected her to answer.

He heard heavy footsteps and a tiny hand on his arm. He paused and allowed Rory to turn him around. That was twice tonight that she'd ran after him. How many more times could she chase after him before she finally gave up?

"Because I love you." Rory said, looking sad and frustrated. Tears were spilling freely down her cheeks now. "Maybe that doesn't mean anything to you, but it _should_ mean something because it means everything to me. I love you and I need you and I don't want to lose you. After everything we've done together; everything we are, you can't walk out on this. I should probably hate you for treating me like you do, but I love you. You're-."

Jess put a hand up to her mouth to stop her. "You're babbling." He whispered.

"I'm talking quickly." She corrected. "But everything I said was relevant and coherent."

"Telling me you love me doesn't fix everything." Jess said weakly, finding himself lost in her eyes.

Rory took his hands and said, "I'm not trying to fix everything. I'm trying to fix us."

Jess looked at Rory, saw the hope and genuine love that was shining through her eyes. She truly meant it. She loved him.

Jess leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips. He hugged her and said, "I love you."

Rory sniffed back tears and said, "I was hoping you did."

Jess tightened his hold on Rory and looked up at the sky. _What am I doing? My God, what am I doing?_


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I.Own.Nothing. **I'm learning to cope with it, you should too.

**A/N:** Thanks so much for your reviews! Keep 'em coming, and I'll keep the story coming.:) And, I know the chapters are a little short, but they'll begetting longer.

**Chapter 2**

Rory sat at the kitchen table, writing diligently in her notebook. Lorelai looked at her daughter with a proud smile, cup of coffee in hand.

Rory glanced up and tossed down her pencil in annoyance. "Stop!" She exclaimed. "Stop looking at me like that."

"I'm just so proud." Lorelai said, bringing her hand to her chest. "My daughter's first busted party! I've been waiting _years_ for this moment."

"Mom…" Rory started with a roll of her eyes.

"No!" Lorelai cried with emotion, holding her hand out to silence her daughter. "I want more time to savor the moment." She took a deep breath and the two sat in silence.

"Ok." Lorelai said with a smile. "I'm savored."

"You aren't funny." Rory said, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I know at least two people who'd disagree with you on that." Lorelai said.

"Besides yourself?" Rory asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Fine." Lorelai said with a pout. "One person."

"I just want to forget about that party!" Rory said. "It was a mistake. I shouldn't have gone. A lot of stupid stuff went down. That party is the epitome of why I chose to be a shut-in all through my teenage years."

"Why did it get busted again?" Lorelai asked, sipping her coffee.

"You know." Rory said awkwardly. "The beer…"

"And…?" Lorelai asked, noticing her daughter's hesitation. "What are you holding back?"

"There was a fight." Rory responded hesitantly. "Between Jess and Dean."

"Jess and Dean fighting? What could've come between two best friends like Jess and Dean?" Lorelai asked, feigning shock.

Rory looked down at her notebook. "Dean saw me crying, flipped out on Jess."

"Oh, the shock is too much for me." Lorelai said. "Jess and Dean fighting over you! Who would've thought that'd ever happen? Especially with no precedent to ever hint that such an incident could ever occur."

"Mom!" Rory exclaimed, frustrated. "I'm not going to tell you anything else." She picked up her pencil and began to write again.

The two sat in silence as Lorelai pouted for a moment. Realizing Rory wasn't going to relent, she said, "Fine, you win! I'll be good! Just tell me. Why did Jess make you cry?"

Rory hesitated, and then said, "We were in a bedroom upstairs, and things started moving too fast. Jess wanted to…" She trailed off.

"Ah, gotcha. Did you?" Lorelai asked, nervously.

"No." Rory shook her head. "It wasn't right, but he tried to... So we fought for a minute and I ran out of the room, and into Dean."

Lorelai shook her head. "Well, I'm glad you showed good judgment, kid. So, I guess it's over with Jess now." She tried to keep the hope out of her voice at the thought of Rory and Jess breaking up.

Rory shook her head and a smile spread on her face. "No, actually. We're in love."

"Oh." Lorelai said, actually stunned for the first time during this conversation. "Obviously. If he had raped you, would you be getting married?"

"Mom!" Rory exclaimed, appalled and annoyed at her mother's statement.

"Well excuse me for not understanding the logic here!" Lorelai exclaimed. "You tell me Jess tried to push you into sex, and then you tell me that the two of you are in love. It's early. My mind won't be able to make that kind of jump for another few hours yet!"

"Stop yelling." Rory said quietly, trying to mask how upset she was at her mother's reaction.

"I'm not yelling. My voice is raised for emphasis, which is a perfectly acceptable use of volume." Lorelai said calmly, placing her coffee mug down and flexing her hands to try to relax herself. "Explain it to me. Please."

"After the fight, he tried to run." Rory began.

"Typical Jess." Lorelai interjected.

"I went after him this time." Rory continued as if Lorelai hadn't spoken. "He was freaked about a bunch of stuff that happened to him. He isn't going to graduate, and he's afraid Luke is going to kick him out and…he was feeling lousy and he made a mistake. He knows he made a mistake."

"So he apologized." Lorelai said, nodding thoughtfully. "I'm impressed. I didn't think he had it in him."

Rory furrowed her brow as she thought back to the night before. He hadn't apologized. He might have implied an apology, but he never actually apologized. He said he loved her though. After he had said that, she hadn't even wanted an apology. She was so happy that he had said he loved her that the fact that he didn't apologize hadn't even crossed her mind.

Rory looked at her mom with a smile. "He said he loved me."

"Unprovoked?" Lorelai asked, trying to read her daughter's expression, and failing. It was very rare for her to not be able to tell how her daughter was feeling, but she truly couldn't right then.

"No, as a matter a fact, there was a pack of wild dogs nipping at his legs as he said it." Rory said sarcastically. "What do you mean unprovoked?"

"Did you have to say it first?" Lorelai asked, knowing the answer.

"I didn't _have_ to say it first. I _did_ say it first, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't have said it if I didn't." Rory said defensively. She knew it was a lie. If she hadn't said anything, Jess would've just walked away from the relationship. In fact, that's what he tried to do. If Rory hadn't said that she loved him, he wouldn't have said it first. He would've just let things be over. Rory looked back at her mom, happy smile in place.

"OK." Lorelai said, forcing a smile. "Then I'm happy for you. Your second love. Just as important as your first love, but with much more smutty stuff." Lorelai's smile turned from forced to wistful, and then disappeared all together. "We need to put you on birth control!"

Rory opened her mouth and looked like she was going to protest, but her look turned thoughtful and she said, "OK. It might be best."

"Wow. I keep forgetting how old you're getting." Lorelai said, looking at her daughter. "You're growing up on me."

"I didn't mean to." Rory said with a small smile. "It just kinda happened."

Lorelai stood and touched her daughter's hair. "I'll make a gynecologist appointment for some time this week."

"Thanks, mom." Rory said.

* * *

"There you are!" Jess exclaimed as Luke walked into the diner. "We're swamped. I'm dying here."

"Oh, don't tease me." Luke said, removing his coat and walking behind the counter.

"Are you going to order something?" Jess asked to a man sitting alone by the window.

The man looked up at him nervously and said, "Just…more coffee."

"You got it. Glad to make your dining dreams come true." Jess snapped as he headed back behind the counter.

"That was pleasant." Luke said dryly as he made a fresh pot of coffee.

"Well, charm school's really paying off. Table 4 wants ham and is probably going to go Soylent Green on somebody if she doesn't get it." Jess said as picked up a plate of fries.

"I was at Kyle's house talking to his parents." Luke said, turning to face Jess.

"Dean started it." Jess said, quickly walking over to a table and putting the fries in front of them.

"You're really gonna go with that excuse?" Luke demanded as Jess came back behind the counter.

"It's true. He sucker punched me. I was defending myself." Jess said.

"I believe you, but Jess, you still have to pay them back. You and Dean trashed their house." Luke said, trying to remain calm.

"Dean started it!" Jess exclaimed.

"And that's why he's paying them back too." Luke said. "He was there when I was. Jess, you're going to pay back every cent you owe them."

Jess opened his mouth and looked like he was going to snap, but he just said, "Fine." He grabbed the now full coffee pot and walked away from Luke.

Luke stood there, shocked. "Well, that was a little too easy." He turned around and said, "Cesar, I need ham!"

Jess walked over to the table by the window just in time to see the man who was sitting there bolt out the door. Jess looked at the table and saw a black wallet sitting there. He put the coffee pot down on the table and grabbed the wallet. He walked over to the door, opened it and said, "Yo! Coffee guy! You forgot your wallet!" The man appeared to not hear him and continued to walk hurriedly down the street.

Jess walked back inside the diner and flipped open the wallet to search for the man's ID. He stared blankly at the California driver's license for a moment. The name on it read 'James F. Mariano.'

"Huh." Jess said to himself, still staring at the license.

Luke said, "Jess! Swamped, remember? Get back to work."

"Yeah." Jess said, pocketing the wallet and hurrying to clean the table that the man who might have been his father had just vacated.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I. Own. Nothing. **Accept it. I've learned to.

**A/N:** Thanks for all the reviews. Keep them coming!

**Selina**: Thanks so much for all the reviews! You completely made my day.

Also, I recieved a couple of people who commented on Lorelai making it seem like Jess forced himself on Rory.I was trying to put her in the defensive mother role right there, while still keeping her 'Lorelai-ness' I personally don't think that Jess did anything wrong, but you _know_ that Lorelai would see it differently.

I really like this chapter. I hope y'all do too.

OK, that's it. Review and more importantly, enjoy!

**Chapter 3**

"Hey." Rory said, sitting down next to Jess on a bench.

Jess looked up from his book. "Hey."

Rory leaned in for a kiss and was met with a light brush of Jess's lips against hers. "What are you reading?" Rory asked.

Jess closed the book and extended the book to show Rory the cover.

"Salinger." Rory said with an approving nod. A thoughtful look crossed her face and she asked, "What's wrong?"

"What?" Jess demanded, retracting his hand quickly as if he'd been burned.

"You're rereading." Rory said; her eyes still on the book. "You only reread when you're upset."

"Great observation, Encyclopedia Brown." Jess snapped, opening the book again and looking down at the page.

"Encyclopedia Brown?" Rory said, tilting her head to the side.

"Boy detective. Star of his own children's book series." Jess mumbled, sounding annoyed.

Rory rolled her eyes. "I'm completely aware of the context. It was just a strange reference coming from you. What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Jess said, staring hard at the page.

"Jess…?" Rory said. She received no answer and touched Jess's arm. "Hey. I thought things were going to be different now."

Jess sighed deeply and closed the book again. He looked over at Rory and stared intently at her, saying nothing.

"You know, what with us being in love and all." Rory said, feeling ridiculous. "Forget it. I don't know what I was thinking."

Rory stood up and looked around quickly for a destination. She decided to just go home and quickly hurried in that in direction. She crossed her arms over her chest and fought back tears. She had been a fool to believe things would be different now that they had said that they were in love. She had been naïve enough to believe that now Jess would be willing to open up to her. She had expected that he'd be able to change overnight. She'd been expecting miracles, and she really should've known better.

"Rory!" Jess called, causing her to turn around. He tucked his book into his back pocket and walked towards her.

Rory stood there, watching him approach her. His face showed no emotion, as usual. He came up to her and put a hand on either side of her face. Rory dropped her hands to her sides and allowed Jess to kiss her. She wrapped her arms around his waist as the kiss became more passionate.

Rory pulled away from him and brought a hand to his cheek. "You do know how to make an apology, don't you?"

Jess smirked tightly and pulled her to him. He kissed the top of her head. "I love you." He whispered against her ear.

Rory smiled widely against his shoulder. He'd said it first this time. She hadn't said it first. He really meant it. He loved her.

"I love you too." She said, clinging to him.

Jess pulled away and held her at arm's length. "You know me. You know this whole talking thing isn't my thing." He said. His tone was chiding, yet soft.

"I know, but-." Rory started, but Jess cut her off.

"No. Listen, Rory. I've got some stuff I'm going through. If I want to talk, I know I can. But I don't want to talk about all this. Not yet."

Rory frowned, feeling hurt. "I want you to be able to talk to me."

Jess sighed, frustrated. "I know, but I just…can't."

Rory stood on her tiptoes and rested her forehead against his. "You know that I'm here if you need me though, right?" She whispered.

"Yeah." Jess said, pulling away from her. He slung an arm casually around her shoulders and said, "I'm gonna have to cancel our date tonight. We'll watch the movie tomorrow, OK?"

Rory thought about asking why he was canceling their date, but knew better than to push the issue, especially after the conversation they'd just had. "Alright, but you owe me."

The two started walking down the sidewalk and Jess said, "Oh yeah. What do I owe you?"

Rory tilted her head in thought and said, "Hmm…Two Brontes and a volume of Gerard Manley Hopkins's poetry."

Jess shook his head. "No way. I'll give you one Bronte, and _I_ get to pick which one."

"Fine." Rory said, smiling. "But the Hopkins is nonnegotiable."

"Deal." Jess said as they stopped in front of the diner.

Rory smiled at him and pulled him in for a kiss. They stood locked in their passionate embrace for a few moments before they pulled apart.

"Love you." Rory said, looking up at him sweetly.

"Yeah," Jess said as he turned away. "Love you too."

As Rory walked away, Jess shook his head sadly. He didn't have time to dwell though. He had someone to go see.

* * *

Jess looked at the door for a very long time. He wiped beads of nervous sweat from his forehead and rubbed his sweating palms against the legs of his jeans. He took a deep, shuddering breath in a failed attempt to calm himself. He reached into his back pocket and retrieved the wallet. He raised his fist and knocked loudly three times. 

The motel room door swung open and the man from the diner looked at Jess with shock and fear on his features. He brought his hand up and scratched his dark hair. "Umm, hey."

Jess held up the wallet and said, "You left this at the diner." He tossed it in the air, and Jimmy caught it in the air.

"Oh, good." Jimmy said. "I'd hate to lose that driver's license. Great picture of me. It's so rare to take a good driver's license picture. I think this might have been my first good driver's license picture ever. Once it expires, I think I'll get a frame for it and hang it on the wall." He looked at Jess and stepped back into the room. "Do you want to come in?"

Jess nodded and stepped past Jimmy into the small motel room. The bed was unmade and there was a half-empty suitcase laying on it. The radio was on, and a classic David Bowie song was blaring through the speakers. "So, did you intend to say anything to me other than 'More coffee'?"

"Like, 'I'm your father.'?" Jimmy asked nervously.

"That might've been a good start." Jess said, sitting on the bed.

"Ok." Jimmy said, sitting next to him. "I'm your father."

The two sat in silence, listening to Suffragette City on the radio.

"_Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am."_ The two sang the line softly in unison, then looked at each other in shock.

"So were you going to tell me?" Jess demanded, his voice taking on a harsher tone. "Or were you just going to pack up and leave? You seem to be good at that. Not that I'd know personally, as I was only about three days old the first time."

"Nine days old." Jimmy corrected. "You didn't leave the hospital till you were nine days old. You had a breathing problem they wanted to monitor, and I didn't want to leave until I knew you were going to be OK."

Jess stared blankly at Jimmy before a scowl overtook his blank face. "Wow. I can't believe you just said that."

Jimmy shrugged. "Then after I realized you were going to be fine, I panicked. I absolutely freaked. I went out to buy diapers, said I'd meet you, your mom, and your Uncle Luke back at the apartment. I never came back."

"Yeah, I kinda figured that one out when I turned five and still didn't have those diapers, or my father."

"I would've been a lousy dad." Jimmy said.

Jess smirked, but there was absolutely no humor behind it. "Are you really gonna go with that excuse?" After the words were out of his mouth, Jess recognized the words as Luke's, but didn't let it faze him.

Jimmy shrugged. "It's true."

"What are you doing here?" Jess asked, finally getting to the point.

Jimmy stood and paced the room, looking awkward and uncomfortable. "I was passing through town."

"From where?"

"California." Jimmy said with a small smile.

"What are you doing here, Jimmy?" Jess repeated the question, using his father's name for the first time.

Jimmy sighed and stopped pacing. He ran a hand over his hair again and said, "I wanted to see you."

"It's been 18 years. Why now?" Jess demanded.

Jimmy shrugged. "I was thinking about you and-."

Jess cut him off. "Well I wasn't thinking about you. I gave up wanting my daddy when I was about five."

Jimmy nodded. "I deserve that."

"You deserve a whole lot more than that!" Jess exclaimed, finally getting mad. "What did you think was going to happen? You were going to show up and we'd be father and son and everything would be cool? I'd pack up and move to California and we could be a family, find out we have a lot in common and become best friends? Go to Hell because it ain't gonna happen!"

"What do you want from me? I'm a screw up!" Jimmy yelled back. "What else do you want me to say? I won't apologize! It's who I am! I came here to see you and maybe let you know that you _do_ have a father out there. Maybe he is just a screw up, but he's out there and he was thinking about you! Maybe I was wrong in coming here, but that wouldn't be a change from most of my life!"

The two men looked at each other, the fight going out of both of them. They stared at each other for a long time before either of them spoke.

"Maybe we're more alike than I thought." Jess said; his hands balled into fists at his sides and his tone still angry.

"In which case, I'm very sorry for you." Jimmy said, smirking.

The curtain of awkward silence fell back over both men. They stood there, avoiding eye contact and breathing heavily with their nervousness.

"So," Jimmy said, sitting back down. "You like Bowie."

Jess looked at him for a moment, and then he sat down as well. "Yeah. I like Bowie."

* * *

Luke walked into his apartment and threw his keys down on the table next to the answering machine. The red light was blinking, indicating new messages. Luke pressed the button and walked into the kitchen to get a bottle of water. 

"_Mr. Danes, this is Mr. Sloane from the bank. We have a brief question about your newbusiness arrangement with Taylor Doose, and we'd appreciate it if you could get back to us as soon as possible."_

Luke walked back over to the machine, taking a long gulp of his water.

"_My name is Julia and I'm calling on behalf of Stars Hollow High School."_

"Oh God, what now?" Luke said to himself, taking another drink of his water.

"_Now that the withdrawal process is complete for Jess Mariano, we need someone to come down to the school and clean outhis locker. If his possessions aren't cleaned out by the end of the week, they'll be disposed of appropriately. Thank you."_

Luke was no longer drinking his water. It was all over the wall from him spitting it out at the sound of the secretary's voice. Luke shook his head violently as he went into the kitchen for a rag. Like it or not, he and Jess were going to have a _long_ talk when he got back, and it was probably going to end badly.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing. I've learned to accept it; you should too.

**Chapter 4**

Jess walked into the apartment and shrugged out of his leather jacket. He tossed it on a large pile of clothing and collapsed onto the bed. He pulled the book out of his back pocket and opened to where he had left off. He fumbled around on the end table for a pen and immediately began making notes in the already full margins.

The door opened and slammed, causing Jess to look up with mild interest. Luke stood there with his hands on his hips and a towel slung over his shoulder, looking very angry. Jess just smirked at Luke and went back to his book.

Luke stood there for a moment before he stalked over to the answering machine and pressed the play button. Again, the secretary's voice filled the small apartment.

"_My name is Julia and I'm calling on behalf of Stars Hollow High School. Now that the withdrawal process is complete for Jess Mariano, we need someone to come down to the school and clean out Jess's locker. If his possessions aren't cleaned out by the end of the week, they'll be disposed of appropriately. Thank you."_

Jess looked up and said, "I guess I'll have to go in. I have a few books that I really want in my locker."

"Is that all you have to say?" Luke barked, walking over to the bed and looming over Jess. "Were you even going to tell me, or were you going to let me go to your graduation and be very confused?"

Jess shrugged. "Seemed like a viable option."

"You dropped out, Jess! You have less than a month left and you dropped out! Why? To work at Wal-Mart for the rest of your life?" Luke said, flinging his dishtowel into Jess's face.

Jess calmly removed the towel and stood up. "It's no diner, but it works."

"Hey, this diner is mine, pal. I own it. I built this business. I'm damn proud of it. As opposed to you. You have nothing to be proud of!"

"Well, thanks for pointing out the obvious!" Jess exclaimed, finally getting mad. "Look, I _had_ to drop out. I missed too many days. I can't graduate. It doesn't matter. I am _not_ going to miss that place."

"You're not going to have a chance to miss that place, because here's what's going to happen. You'll live here another year. You're going to repeat your senior year. You're going to pass. You're going to graduate. That's what's going to happen." Luke commanded, his posture and voice still revealing how angry he was.

"No!" Jess said. "I'm not going back there!"

"God, Jess!" Luke exclaimed, throwing off his baseball cap and running his hands through his hair in frustration. "You're the smartest kid I've ever met. You read more than any human being on the planet. Why the Hell do you act so stupid all the time?"

"I guess it runs in the family!" Jess shouted.

"Hey, watch it." Luke ordered. "I'm not stupid."

"Not you," Jess scoffed. "My dad. My dad was a screw up. I guess it's hereditary."

"Don't give me that." Luke said, shaking his head. "I knew your dad, and you are nothing like him. He didn't care about anyone but himself. It might be rare, but I've seen you at your best, as well as your worst. You care about other people. You pull this huge, 'the world can kiss my ass' bit but you care about people. You are an idiot, but you are _nothing_ like your father." Luke said, still seething.

"You don't know anything!" Jess said. "You think you know everything, but you don't! You don't know anything about me or what I'm like or what I am!"

"I know that you're my responsibility, and I know you're going back to school next year!" Luke said.

Jess was still fuming. "I don't want to go back and you can't make me!"

"My God, are you four?" Luke asked, exasperated.

They stood there, staring heatedly at each other. Finally, Luke spoke again.

"I refuse to watch you throw your life away, Jess." Luke said insistently.

Jess sighed deeply and picked up his leather jacket. "Then close your eyes."

Jess stormed out of the apartment with a loud slam of the door. Luke stared at the closed door for what felt like an eternity. Luke sat down on the edge of the bed and bowed his head. He rested his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands as if in prayer. In reality though, Luke wasn't praying. He was just thinking about how he'd failed his nephew.

* * *

Jess banged loudly on the motel door. "Damn it, Jimmy! Open the door!" He called, exasperated. After his fight with Luke, Jess didn't know where to go. He was tempted to go seek comfort in Rory, but resisted the urge. If he went to her, she'd want to talk. He still wasn't ready to talk to her about any of this. He was shocked that he'd talked as much as he did that night on the bridge, and he didn't want to do that again. Not yet, anyway, and possibly not ever. He just wanted somewhere to hang out until he could go back to Luke's, if only to get his stuff.

Jess really had screwed everything up. He hadn't meant to fight with Luke. He hadn't even meant to hide the fact he wasn't graduating. He was just embarrassed, and if he was willing to admit it to himself, he was angry with himself. He didn't care about graduating, but he knew that Luke and Rory did. He didn't want to hurt either of them, but it seemed to be what he did best. This afforded him the perfect opportunity to do what he felt was best for Luke, Rory, and himself - leave. Maybe he could even leave with Jimmy, start over again in California where he wouldn't have people bothering him about wasting his potential or graduating high school. Jimmy was just like him, so Jess wouldn't be able to let him down as he did everybody else. Besides, maybe that was what he needed right now. A change of scenery and a change of family. Not that he had any illusions about him and Jimmy all of a sudden having a Leave It To Beaver moment, but they _were_ family, and maybe that meant something. If it didn't mean anything; if Jimmy said no, then it didn't really matter to Jess. He was just looking for a way out. If Jimmy happened to be that way out, then that was fine. If not, there was no love to be lost between them.

"Jimmy, open up!" Jess screamed again.

"That room's empty." A gruff voice called.

Jess turned his head and saw a short, stout man with thinning hair peeking out at him from the office.

"What'd you say?" Jess demanded.

"That door you're banging on? There's no one there. Guy checked out in a hurry about an hour ago." The man said, before retreating back into the office.

Jess punched the door fiercely in anger, putting a small hole in it. He stared at the hole, and then looked down at his bloody knuckles.

"Huh."

* * *

A sharp knock came to the door, and Rory got up from the couch to answer it. "Who is it?" She called as she walked to the door.

"Luke." His voice called from the other side of the door.

"Hey, Luke." Rory said with a smile as she opened the door. "Mom's not here."

"I came to talk to you." Luke said, hurrying into the house.

"Oh." Rory said confused. "Ok. What's up?" She walked back over to the couch and sat down. She looked up at Luke intently with curiosity in her eyes.

"It's Jess." Luke began.

"Jess?" Rory asked, panic on her face. "Is he OK?"

"Physically, yes." Luke said, pacing back and forth.

"But…" Rory started.

"But," Luke repeated, "I'm so worried about him. He's not graduating."

Rory nodded. "I knew that."

"You did?" Luke asked, surprised. "He talked to you about it?"

Rory shrugged. "A little. As much as Jess ever talks, I guess."

"I need you to talk to him." Luke said, squatting down in front of her. "He'll listen to you. He doesn't listen to me, but I think he'll listen to you."

Rory sat back and said, "Jess doesn't listen to anyone, Luke. It's like talking to a wall. A well-read, angry wall, but a wall nonetheless."

"I know that, but if anybody has a chance, it's you." Luke said, looking honestly scared.

"Wow, Luke. I've never seen you look like this before." Rory said, feeling a little scared herself. If Luke was scared, Jess's problems had to have been more severe than she'd thought.

"I'm scared for him. I think you have a shot at helping him."

Rory sighed and slumped back into the sofa. "I want to help him, but I can't make him go back to school. You know how he reacts when people try to tell him what to do."

"I know that, but there are other alternatives. He could get his GED, for example." Luke said. "I want to tell him that, but he won't listen to it coming from me. I thought maybe you could try."

Rory sat in thought for only a second before she nodded. "I don't know if it'll do anything, but I'll try. I really want to help him."

Luke nodded and awkwardly patted her leg. "Me too." He sighed deeply. "Me too."

"How can you be sure he's not just gonna run off?" Rory asked, trying not to reveal how panicked the thought made her.

Luke smirked. "I took all the books in the apartment and put them in the bed of my truck, and I mean _all_ the books. Even mine. And not just the novels. My cookbooks, my fishing books. I took them all. He's not going anywhere."

Rory smiled at the thought. "You know him well."

"No one knows Jess well." Luke said.

Rory frowned. She liked to think that she knew Jess well. "You're right." She said, feeling pained by the honesty of the statement.

"Hey, kid!" Lorelai called as she entered the house with several brown paper bags. "I've got Chinese."

Lorelai entered the living room. "Oh, hey Luke." She said, obviously surprised to see him there.

"Hey Lorelai." Luke said, standing up.

Rory sat on the couch, and the three looked uncomfortably at each other. Finally, Rory stood and took the bags from her mom. "I'll set this up in the kitchen."

Rory departed, leaving Luke and Lorelai in the living room, still standing there awkwardly.

"So," Lorelai said, sitting down on the couch and patting the spot next to her. "Care to tell me what this is all about?"

Luke sighed and said, "I needed to talk to Rory."

"About…?" Lorelai asked. Luke sat down next to her and looked straight ahead.

"Jess." He said simply.

"Ah, of course." Lorelai said, nodding. "Is he OK?"

"Physically, yeah." Luke said, repeating his words to Rory moments earlier. "Emotionally, probably not. He's not graduating."

Lorelai nodded. "I know."

"God, does everyone know?" Luke asked, frustrated. He took his hat off and ran his hands through his hair.

"Rory told me." Lorelai said, patting Luke's leg sympathetically.

"Oh." Luke said. "I asked her to talk to Jess, see if she can get through to him."

"Didn't go so well when you tried, huh?" Lorelai asked knowingly.

Luke sank back and shrugged. "It went as well as any conversation between me and Jess ever goes. We fought, we screamed, he stormed out, I punched a wall, then plastered the hole up. While I was plastering, I thought it'd be a good idea to have Rory try to talk to him. I thought maybe he'd listen to her. Rory's been good for him, and I think she might be the only one he'll listen to."

"You've been good for him too, Luke." Lorelai said insistently. "If that boy is doing any better than he was, and I think that he _is_ doing better, it's because of you. You've been there for him and you've taken care of him, and he knows that. He's better because of you."

Luke smiled, but it was sad. He shook his head. "No." Luke said. "I failed him. I tried to make his life better, but I couldn't. I wanted to…" He trailed off.

Lorelai smiled at him. "You wanted to save him."

Luke nodded. "Yeah."

"That's a noble thing, Luke, and it's completely understandable. But you can't save someone if they don't want to be saved."

"That's the worst part!" Luke said. "That's what makes me the maddest. I really thought he wanted my help."

"Maybe he does, but he's confused. He's led a life that's been very cruel to him. I don't think he knows what to do. He's scared and he's angry and he doesn't know how to make things better."

"But I _should_ know how to make things better for him, and I don't." Luke said.

"You're not a mind reader. You're a parent. Well, for all extensive purposes, you're his parent. As a parent, you can do your best, but you can't be perfect."

"Says the woman with the perfect daughter." Luke said.

"Hey, I'm lucky. And yeah, Rory and I have an amazing relationship and I am a damn good mother, but I'm not perfect." Lorelai said, getting slightly offended.

Luke stood. "Look, I know you're just trying to make me feel better, but I just can't be here right now. I'll see you later." He was out the door before Lorelai even had a chance to stand up. She heard his truck start and pull away.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** I don't own GG. I do however own original characters and most plot and dialogue.

**A/N:** Thanks for being patient with me. It took me a long time to decide which way I was going to take this story. I hope you like it, because I think it's going to be fun. Well, fun in an angsty way, of course. ) Anyway, read and review, review, review!

**Chapter 5**

Jess rushed into the apartment and looked around. Luke didn't appear to be home, so Jess quickly grabbed his duffel bag and threw it on the bed. He tossed a bunch of clothes into it quickly, followed by his CDs. Then, he went to grab a stack of books from the bookshelf, and finally paused. They were gone. He spun in a quick circle, surveying the entire apartment. There were no books to be seen. Not even any of Luke's instructional books.

Jess shook his head angrily, refusing to admit that he was amused. "He's good. He's damn good."

Jess reached into the pocket of his leather jacket and found his novel still in there. He tossed it in the bag. One book could last him until he got…wherever it was he was going. Back to New York, maybe. No, probably not.Maybe he'd bum across the country, or maybe he'd head up to Canada. There were a million places he'd read about that it'd be amazing to see and now he could go see them.

Jess grabbed some more CDs and threw them in. He came across a pack of cigarettes and looked at them covetously. He licked his lips at the thought of smoking one, but then shook his head and threw the pack into a nearby trashcan. It wasn't a habit a guy on the run would be able to afford. He refused to admit that he was trying to quit because of Rory.

The phone rang, and Jess looked at it. He debated answering it, and finally decided not to. He continued to toss things into his duffel bag as the answering machine picked up.

_"You've reached Luke Danes and Jess Mariano. Leave a message."_

The machine beeped and it was Rory's voice that spoke next.

_"Jess. It's Rory. I don't know if you're there or what. But I figure you'll be there eventually. Unless you ran already, in which case Luke, I'm sorry about this message and feel free to delete it right now. But Jess, if you do hear this, don't leave, OK? Maybe I'm wrong and you have no intention of running, but I doubt it. I might not know you that well, but I know you as well as anybody can know you and I'm pretty sure that you want to run. Please, don't. I know it seems like a great option, but it's not. So, all I'm saying is, please don't leave. I don't know what's been happening with you lately, but I want to help. Luke wants to help. We just want to-." _

There was another beep as the machine cut her off. Jess finally took a moment to pause and think. Rory. She was the one good thing in his life; the one thing that made any sense at all.That was why when he knew she wanted him to say that he loved her, he said it even though he didn't mean it.

Jess knew that he didn't love Rory. He was probably the one of the only people in the world who could honestly say that he didn't love anyone. He cared about Rory. There was no doubt about that. But he didn't love her. He couldn't love her. He wanted to mean it when he said it, but he didn't. As much as he wanted to mean it when he said he loved her, Jess just didn't have it in him to love anybody. He didn't even love himself. So, when Rory looked at him with the desperation of a woman needing to be loved, he lied to her. He told her he loved her, even though he didn't.

Jess stuffed a few more clothes in his bag, and struggled to zip it up. He hoisted it over his shoulder, dug into his pocket and pulled out his key to the apartment. He left it on the table next to the answering machine. He looked around once before he left.

He had no choice but to run, no matter what Rory wanted from him. He couldn't stay here any longer, just to disappoint and be disappointed. There was no way he could be here right now, because there was no way he could be what everyone wanted him to be, and there was _no_ way he was going to live with Luke, seeing that disappointed look on his face everyday. There was nothing left to do but leave…well, almost nothing.

_"You didn't say goodbye."_

That wasn't a mistake he was going to make again.

* * *

Jess stared at the Gilmore house hesitantly, considering just leaving without saying goodbye to Rory. He could just turn around and head to the bus station, and she'd never know that he'd even been there. The longer he stood there, the more he wanted to leave without saying goodbye. He'd been down that road once though, and he didn't want to do it again. He wanted her to know that he was thinking about her, and that he cared enough to say goodbye…if only he were brave enough to go through with it.

Jess spun on his heel and started to walk away. He didn't make it five steps before he stopped and turned around again. No. He'd screwed up enough. Every thing he'd done wrong, every time he'd left her waiting, every time he took the easy way out was leading up to this. He was going to do the right thing for once in his life, and she was the one who deserved the right thing.

Jess circled over to the side of the house and put his duffel bag down. Maybe he could just write her a nice note instead. She liked to read, a note would be a nice alternative. No. He wasn't running away from this. Well, yeah he was. But he wasn't running away from her. She needed to know that.

Jess took in a breath to steady himself and knocked on Rory's window. Moments passed, and there was no answer. Jess got excited at the thought of getting out of this. Now he could write her a note and not feel bad about it.

Just as Jess decided to leave, the window opened tentatively. Rory peeked her head out and looked at Jess. She smiled a small, nervous smile at him. "You're still here." Her eyes fell to where his bag laid on the ground. "Not for long though." She pushed the window open the rest of the way. "Come in?"

Jess nodded and skillfully climbed into her window and sat down on her bed. Rory sat down next to him and said, "You're running."

"I have to. I can't stay here right now." Jess said, looking at his feet.

"Yes you can!" Rory said. "Luke doesn't want to kick you out, and you can get your GED or go back to school. You can keep working at the diner. You can make things OK." She reached out to touch his hand. "I can help you."

Jess pulled his hand away from her. "I have to get away from this place. I have to figure myself out. I can't…I can't make anything better until I figure out what's wrong with me."

"What about me?" Rory asked pathetically. "You love me." After Jess slid his eyes to the floor, Rory added weakly, "You said you loved me."

Jess sighed and prepared himself for the biggest honest moment of his life. He looked Rory in the eyes and said quietly, "I lied. I don't love you. I care about you, but I don't love you. I've never loved anybody. I don't know how."

Rory felt tears welling up in her eyes. "Oh." Later on, she'd realize how difficult this situation must've been for Jess; how hard it was for him to be this open and honest with her. She'd appreciate his honesty, and realize that loving someone and caring about someone weren't mutually exclusive things. Right now though, all she could focus on was the fact that her boyfriend just told her that he didn't really love her.

"So what are you doing here?" She asked bitterly.

"I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted you to know-."

"That you don't love me." She interjected angrily. "Yeah, I got that already."

"No." Jess replied, getting frustrated. This was what came of being honest. "I wanted you to know that I'm leaving, but I'm not leaving you. I care more about you more than I've ever cared about anybody, and I needed to tell you that this isn't because of you."

"Fine. I know that. Go." Rory snapped.

Jess sat in silence, waiting for something else. He didn't know what, but for something else.

"Are you coming back?" She asked, afraid of the answer.

"I have to." Jess said with a small smirk. "All my books are here."

Rory laughed for just a moment before remembering herself. "When?"

"You know I don't know." He paused, and said aloud a fact that they both knew to be true. "I might not come back"

"I'm not going to pine." Rory said quickly. "I'm going to graduate and go to Europe and come back and I'm not going to pine for you."

Jess nodded. "I wouldn't want you to pine." It wasn't a complete lie.

"But if you do come back, and I stress _if_, I promise that the first time I see you I'll refuse to speak to you, but I'll smile before I walk away." Rory said seriously.

Jess smiled at her and said, "If I come back, I promise to lend you whatever book is my pick of the month."

The tears were spilling down Rory's cheeks as she nodded. "Go. Just go. Please just go now."

Jess stood, leaned over and attempted to kiss her. She offered him her cheek instead, and he brushed his lips against her cheek, catching just the corner of her mouth. "Goodbye." He whispered into her ear. Then he was out the window and gone.

Rory walked over to the window and watched his retreating form. Once he was out of sight, she lay down on her bed and began to sob.

* * *

Luke walked into his apartment and immediately felt the difference. He couldn't explain it, would _refuse_ to try if ever asked, but he could feel in his bones that Jess was gone before even looking around. Doing a quick once over of the apartment only confirmed his suspicions. All of Jess's CDs were gone, as were most of his clothes. There were almost no traces of his nephew in the apartment anymore. He was gone.

Luke walked over to the answering machine and pressed the button to listen to the two messages that were awaiting him. The first one was Rory's message.

"_Jess. It's Rory. I don't know if you're there or what. But I figure you'll be there eventually. Unless you ran already, in which case Luke, I'm sorry about this message and feel free to delete it right now."_

Luke paid no heed to Rory's instructions and let the message continue to play.

" _But Jess, if you do hear this, don't leave, OK? Maybe I'm wrong and you have no intention of running, but I doubt it. I might not know you that well, but I know you as well as anybody can know you and I'm pretty sure that you want to run. Please, don't. I know it seems like a great option, but it's not. So, all I'm saying is, please don't leave. I don't know what's been happening with you lately, but I want to help. Luke wants to help. We just want to-."_

The machine cut her off then and Luke had to shake his head. She'd tried, bless her heart. He had to wonder if he'd heard her message, if he'd even gone to see her before he ran off. He probably hadn't. He'd probably been too dumb and stubborn and scared to go say goodbye to her. The next message interrupted Luke's thoughts.

"_Luke, it's me." _Jess's voice said. _"Look, I'm leaving. I've got my bus ticket and I've got about five minutes before my bus gets here. I don't know if I'm coming back, but if I do, I won't expect anything from you. Thanks for everything. Bye."_

Luke shook his head. Maybe Jess tried to hide it, but he was a good kid. Well, at least he had the potential in him to be a good kid. Maybe this was for the best though. Maybe what Jess needed was to test the waters, see if he could find a place that felt like home before he tried to make his life in Stars Hollow.

Luke went into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of beer from the refrigerator. He pressed a button on the answering machine and replayed Jess's message. No one was there to tell him this, but the amused smirk on his face matched the one that his nephew so commonly wore. Luke tipped the bottle towards the answering machine and mumbled "Good luck, kid" before taking a long sip of his beer. "You're gonna need it."

* * *

Jess loved to ride the bus. It was a fact that he'd never shared with anybody, and it was an experience he didn't think anybody would ever understand. More than that, he'd never had the desire to share this idiosyncrasy of his personality with anybody. This was his, and nobody else's. He always opted to ride the bus when he had a choice. His mother had purchased a train ticket to Stars Hollow for him, but he had turned it for cash and used the money to buy a bus ticket and the change to buy a new book. He rode the bus all around New York City when he had the money for it. It wasn't that he minded walking places, but it just couldn't compare to riding the bus.

There was something so peaceful and so serene about riding a bus. It was a feeling he could never duplicate in any other situation. When Jess was riding the bus, there was absolutely nothing wrong with him or the world. There was perfect clarity in a long bus ride. Each bump in the road brought with it tranquility. It didn't last long. The moment he stepped off the bus, he was thrust back into the real world. He was trapped in a world where everything that could go wrong did go wrong, except for those few precious moments where he had the privilege of sitting on a moving bus.

Jess always opted for the window seat. In fact, he always tried to get on the bus as quickly as possible so he could have a better chance of sitting in a window seat. He always made it seem as casual as possible. If he could not get himself a window seat, he didn't pout or let his disappointment show in any way. He would just sit calmly in his seat until one by the window opened up, at which point he would casually change his position. There was just something about watching the world go by from the bus window that made everything perfect. Catching glimpses of people's lives as they walked down the street or into different shops and businesses offered Jess a sense that the world was bigger than him and his drama. It was a good feeling, and one that he was reluctant to give up. He needed that feeling, because without it his life was too much for him to bear. It was the bus ride that had gotten him through the…unfortunate incidents that had led him to his prison sentence in Stars Hollow. If it hadn't been for the prospect of that long bus ride, he probably would've just bailed on his mom and refused to go to Stars Hollow at all. But after everything that happened, he _needed_ a long bus ride. It was that bus ride that got him there. It was that bus ride that eventually led him to Rory. Bus rides were his favorite thing in the world.

Jess leaned his head against the window, staring blankly at the cars and trucks they were passing on the interstate. The bus ride was slightly calming, as they always were for him, but it didn't have the affect that it normally would have. This was too big for even a bus ride to alleviate completely. Jess finally realized exactly how fucked up he was. It took 18 years, a visit from his estranged father, and dropping/flunking out of high school to finally make him realize it. It took walking out on the only two people who cared about him, the only two people that he cared about to finally make it sink in that he wasn't just a screw up, but also screwed up. He was going to fix himself though, and hopefully that'd be enough to fix everything else as well.

Jess looked at the side of the road just in time to see them pass a large sign: **Welcome to New York!**

"Home sweet home."

* * *

Jess pulled the apartment key out of his pocket and used it to unlock the door. He slowly opened it. He stepped into the small apartment and was greeted with the stale, sweet scent of marijuana. His gaze fell on the tattered, stained couch and the blonde woman who was passed out face down on it. Jess rolled his eyes and tossed his large back in the vacant corner by the door. "Hi mom." He said, knowing he was talking to himself. "I'm home."

Liz shifted and lifted her head awkwardly. "Whaa?" She half spoke/half mumbled.

"Oh, delighted to see you were just asleep and not passed out." Jess said, staring at his mother with his arms folded across his chest.

"Jess?" Liz asked, sitting up slowly. "Jess?"

Jess smirked. "Hi, Liz."

"What are you doing here?" Liz asked, rubbing her head. "Am I hallucinating again? I _hate_ it when Vinnie laces the pot with acid."

"Yeah, that damn Vinnie." Jess said, not moving from his position. "It's me. I'm real."

Liz nodded slowly. "What are you doing here? What time is it?"

"It's about five in the morning. " Jess responded, deliberately avoiding his mother's first question.

Liz moaned and flopped back down on the couch. "And you're here why?" She asked again.

Jess shrugged. "Don't worry. I'm not staying long. I just need to stay here for a night or two. Then I'll be out of here."

Liz nodded her head into the couch. "Fine. Sleep now. Talk later."

Jess shook his head in annoyance. "I'll be in my room. Not that you'll remember this conversation when you wake up."

As Jess walked into his room, he heard his stoned mother mumble, "Welcome home, baby."

Jess didn't let his amusement show, even though he was alone. He walked into his room and saw that it was exactly the same as when he'd left the last time, except now it was all covered with an even thicker layer of dust. His bed was unmade and there were a few articles of clothing left strewn on the floor, including one of his favorite Metallica shirts. There was a small TV and a Super Nintendo, as well as a pile of games. On the wall, there was a poster of The Sex Pistols as well as one of The Clash. Both posters were faded with age, and torn around the edges. Jess's eyes landed on an empty picture frame. There had been a picture in it once, until…

Jess could feel his senses heightening as he thought of all that the room contained. He practically salivated at the thought of all the illegal substances to be found there. Just being back here was tempting him to revert into a drunk, pot-smoking idiot. Life had seemed so easy when he was drowning everything out under a haze of smoke and a pool of liquor. Jess walked over to the bed and lifted the mattress to retrieve a flask which he knew was half-filled with Jack Daniels. He unscrewed the cap and inhaled the scent of the alcohol. The temptation weighed heavily on him, but he shook his head to clear it.

"No." He whispered to himself. If he was going to do this self-discovery thing, he was going to do it sober. He tossed the flash in the trash, and followed it with half a dozen liquor bottles. He threw in enough marijuana to keep Liz happy for months. He debated leaving it for her, but decided to be a concerned son for .5 seconds and disposed of it instead. Finally, he found an open pack of Camels. He pulled one from the pack and put it in his mouth. He scrambled for a lighter and lit the cigarette desperately. It was stale and mildly disgusting, but once the nicotine entered Jess's system he didn't even care.

Jess sat down on his bed and leaned against the headboard, absentmindedly ashing his cigarette into the ashtray on the end table next to his bed. He put the cigarette out and closed his eyes. It physically hurt him to be back here, with all these memories weighing down on him. It completely wore him out emotionally, and he fell asleep almost instantly.

* * *

When Jess emerged from his room the next day, Liz was nowhere to be seen. He didn't know where she was, and couldn't force himself to care. He had no desire to communicate with his mother any more than he had to. His reasons for coming back home were simple, and hopefully they wouldn't keep him there more than a week. He wanted the books he had left here, and they were all where he left them. So part one of his mission was accomplished. Secondly, he wanted to call in some favors to get some more cash. He had some money already, but buying that car had taken most of his savings. If he could get some cash from his friends, then that'd be a big help. He didn't know where he was going, but he assumed it'd involve cash at some point in time.

Jess wandered over to the old kitchen table, which was covered in pieces of jewelry. Jewelry-making had always been a hobby of his mother's, and he had to admit that she was quite talented at it. When he was little, he'd always wished that she would devote more time to her jewelry and less time to her other pastimes. As time passed though, he found himself caring less and less what Liz chose to do with her time.

Jess picked up a pair of turquoise and silver earrings, and then put them back down disinterestedly. He then picked up a necklace with a lovely light blue crystal pendant dangling from it. The pendant was in the shape of a heart, and it had a lightning bolt slicing it in two. It was probably the best work he'd ever seen from his mother.

"You can keep that one if you want." His mother's voice came from the doorway. She was wearing torn, faded jeans with holes all over then and an old, multicolored patchwork jacket over a wife beater. "You can actually take any of them. Give them to a girl, sell them for drugs. Do what you've got to."

Jess looked at her with humorless smirk. "Hi, Liz."

Liz smiled at him and crossed the small space with her arms open. She enveloped her son in a tight hug, not acknowledging the fact that he wasn't responding. She released him and held him at arm's length. "You look good, kid."

Jess studied Liz's pale skin and bloodshot eyes. "You look hung over."

Liz shrugged. "Stick to what you're good at, I always say."

Jess didn't respond, only looked at the necklace he was still holding in his hands. He quickly put it down.

"So," Liz asked after a brief silence, "To what do I owe the pleasure of having my prodigal son return to me?"

Jess rolled his eyes. "Get your Bible straight, Liz. The prodigal son left. _I _was kicked out and sent to live with my uncle."

Liz frowned. "Still bitter about that, eh? Look I apologized for that when you came home after you got that girl hurt. I said you could stay. You wanted to go back. You left. The prodigal son analogy works."

"Whatever." Jess said, trying to push past his mother. Liz firmly grabbed his shoulders and prevented him from doing so.

"Jess, baby, what's up? Did Luke throw you out?" Liz asked, mustering up as much motherly concern as she could.

Jess rolled his eyes. "Don't have an aneurism pretending to give a damn. And no, he didn't. I left. But don't worry. I'm not coming back here either. This is just a pit stop before I get on my way."

Liz's face twisted in confusion. "Where are you going?"

Jess shrugged. "Everywhere. Nowhere. I haven't decided yet."

"What about your girlfriend, Lori?" Liz asked.

Jess sighed in frustration. "She's still in Stars Hollow. And her name's Rory."

"Well that's too bad. Luke said you really liked her."

"She was OK." Jess said, desperate to end this awkward conversation. "When did you talk to Luke about it?"

Liz shrugged and sat down at the table. "When you decided to move back there."

Jess grew more annoyed. He hadn't even been dating Rory then. He hated that Luke had just assumed he liked Rory, and he hated it more that he had assumed right.

"Look, Jess. Maybe it's finally time we talked about what happened with-."

"I'll be out of your hair in a few days." Jess cut her off angrily, walking towards the door. "You won't even know I'm here." He stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

Liz shook her head and looked down at the necklace Jess had been staring at. It was one of her favorite pieces that she'd ever made. She's save it, and it'd buy her a lot of pot the next time she ran out of cash.

* * *

"Well, well, well. Look who's been resurrected."

Jess looked up at his friend Billy with a small smile. "Hey, man." He said.

Billy Cotone grinned and sat down across from Jess in the red vinyl booth. Jess had gone where he knew Billy would be, working in his father's pizzeria.

"Long time, man. You home for good this time?" Billy asked, tossing his order pad on the table and tucking his pencil behind his ear. He and Jess resembled each other in a vague way. They both had small builds and Italian coloring that was visible in their dark hair and eyes.

"Nah." Jess said. "I'm just here for a little while. I'm gonna do some traveling. See some new places."

Billy shook his head at his friend. "Only you, man. Only you. So what are you doing back here?" The question was laced with curiosity and fear.

"I'm calling in a favor, Billy."

Billy winced. "Don't make it sound so mob movie, man. Just because we're Italian doesn't mean we have to play into the stereotypes. What do you need?"

Jess was tempted to laugh, but he didn't. Instead, he just responded to the question that was asked of him. "I need you to pay me back that money I leant you."

Billy's eyes widened. "All of it?"

Jess nodded solemnly. "All of it. You owe me. You owe me big." The serious look in his eyes clearly implied what he was refusing to say aloud.

Billy sighed deeply and an awkward silence filled the space between the two young men. "I never said thank you for all that went down, did I?"

Jess shrugged. "I never expected you to."

"Yeah, but you were there for me when no one else would be. That deserves a thank you."

Jess shrugged again and continued to look at his old friend. They both knew that nothing was ever going to be the same between them again, that it couldn't be after what they'd been through together.

Billy sighed again and said, "And it deserves me repaying you. Look, I don't have all of the cash. But I can get it. Give me two weeks."

Jess arched an eyebrow and his eyes filled with hesitation. Two weeks living with his mother again. He loved New York but being here was harder than he'd realized it would be. There was a reason he'd chosen to go back to Stars Hollow that had nothing to do with Rory. There was a reason he'd let go of his life in New York, and that reason was that he knew he could never go back to the way things used to be.

"Alright. Two weeks. I can handle it." He knew it was a lie.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **Besides dirty, dirty thoughts of Jess, I own nothing.

**A/N: **Thanks for bearing with me through my seperation of the dream couple. I promise a reunion soon enough. Remember to review!

**Chapter 6**

_2 weeks later_

"I told ya, man." Billy said to Jess, handing him a neatly stacked pile of bills. "I'm a man of my word."

Jess took the money and counted it casually. He trusted Billy, but just wanted to make sure. There was three thousand dollars there, the exact amount Jess had loaned to Billy almost two years earlier.

Jess shoved the money in his back pocket and said, "Thanks, man. I knew you'd come through."

"Well," Billy responded, shoving his hands in his pockets awkwardly. "You always came through for me. I owed it to you."

Jess smirked. "Yeah. You're the only one though."

Billy shrugged. "This girl really messed you up, huh?" Jess talked about Stars Hollow a little to Billy, leaving most of the details unsaid but sharing a few.

Jess had to laugh at that. "Nah, man. I messed myself up. She loved me anyway though. Chicks, huh?"

Billy laughed too, but it was uneasy. "Yeah…" He said, "Look Jess, about all that happened before you left…"

Jess shook his head. "Don't go there, Billy. It's over. What good is it to talk about it?"

Billy looked ready to argue his point, but in the end chose not to. "I guess, but Jess, thanks for everything. Just, for everything."

Jess sighed, and shuddered subtly at the thought of what he was being thanked for. "It's nothing you wouldn't have done for me. I just wish things ended better."

"Yeah." Billy said quietly. "Me too."

Jess gave Billy an affectionate punch in the shoulder. "Alright, man, I'm out of here."

The two boys shared a brief and awkward embrace before Jess pulled away. "Gotta catch my bus." He mumbled.

Billy nodded. "Hey, keep in touch, kid. Drop a postcard or something."

Jess grabbed his duffel bag and nodded. "I will. Later."

Billy watched his friend disappear around the corner to where the bus station was located and shook his head with a sigh. He hoped Jess would be able to find whatever it was he was looking for, because if he didn't he was eventually going to go crazy.

* * *

Lorelai closed her cell phone with a sad smile. She was thrilled to put a bid on the inn, but she was convinced that Rory going to her parents was going to backfire in some way. She walked back into the courtyard and was taken aback by the person she saw standing in the back, trying to camouflage himself among the shrubs.

As Lorelai looked at him, all she could see was her daughter's tear-stained face. With each step she took towards the boy, her anger was rising. He looked up at her, then looked back at his feet quickly.

"What are you doing here, Jess?" Lorelai demanded, crossing her arms across her chest.

Jess shrugged. "Watching Luke and Jackson gawk over the building's architecture."

Lorelai continued to stare at him. Finally, he said, "I just…wanted to see her again. She doesn't know I'm here, and I'm not going to tell her I'm here. I just wanted to see her graduate."

Lorelai felt a tug on her heartstrings as she saw the pathetic look in Jess's eyes. He may not have loved Rory, but he obviously cared deeply about her.

"Jess, you and I aren't exactly friends, but you're really important to Rory. Is there anything that I-."

"Look Lorelai," Jess interjected, trying to keep his anger from bubbling over. "You know how things end up between us when you try to offer me your sage advice or try to help me or whatever. So please, just don't finish that sentence."

Lorelai felt herself getting annoyed with him, as she so often did. He was such an angry, disturbed kid and she was so afraid that he was going to hurt Rory. He'd already hurt Rory though, and still she had tried to offer to help him. She was as angry at herself for offering as she was at him for refusing.

Jess was looking up at the empty stage as he asked, "How is she?"

"Fine." Lorelai said quickly. "Amazing, spectacular, and every other positive adjective that exists. In fact, she hasn't mentioned you since you left."

It was a lie, of course. Lorelai was taken back to that morning.

"_Cap and gown?" Lorelai questioned._

"_Check." Rory responded._

"_Valedictorian's sash thingy?" Lorelai asked._

"_It's a stole, and check." _

"_Speech?"_

_Rory opened her binder to pull the speech out, and a page of paper from a legal pad slipped out onto the floor. She bent over and picked it up, unfolding it curiously. Her eyes filled with tears as she looked down at it._

"_What is it, sweets?" Lorelai asked, removing the paper from Rory's hands. There were a bunch of doodles on the page, as well as lyrics to Guns at Brixton by The Clash. _

_Rory shrugged and brushed the tears out of her eyes. "It's a just…a Jess thing."_

"_Baby…" Lorelai started._

_Rory shook her head and snatched the paper back from her mother. She lovingly folded the piece of paper and put it with her speech. _

"_Speech. Check."_

"Good." Jess said, nodding. "Good. Did she…cry?"

"No." Lorelai lied easily.

"Good." Jess repeated. "Good." He dug in his pocket and pulled out a flat box. "Could you give this to her?"

"And when she asks where it came from?" Lorelai demanded, staring at the box.

"Lie to her." Jess said with a shrug. "Like you just lied to me about the crying."

Lorelai took the box with a shake of her head. "Why don't you just make both your lives easier and just let her go graciously? Do the right thing for once."

Jess shrugged. "Why set a new precedent? You don't have to give it to her." He said, offering his hand to take the box back.

Lorelai shook her head. "I'll tell her it came in the mail."

Jess nodded. "The ceremony's about to start."

"Don't let her see you." Lorelai commended softly, placing the box in her purse. She turned around and walked away without another word.

* * *

"_Headmaster Charleston, faculty members, fellow students, family and friends, welcome. We never thought this day would come. We prayed for its quick delivery, crossed days off our calendars, counted hours, minutes, and seconds, and now that it's here, I'm sorry it is because it means leaving friends who inspire me and teachers who have been my mentors - so many people who have shaped my life and my fellow students' lives impermeably and forever. I live in two worlds. One is a world of books. I've been a resident of Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, hunted the white whale aboard the Pequod, fought alongside Napoleon, sailed a raft with Huck and Jim, committed absurdities with Ignatius J. Reilly, rode a sad train with Anna Karenina, and strolled down Swann's Way. It's a rewarding world, but my second one is by far superior. My second one is populated with characters slightly less eccentric but supremely real, made of flesh and bone, full of love, who are my ultimate inspiration for everything. Richard and Emily Gilmore are kind, decent, unfailingly generous people. They are my twin pillars without whom I could not stand. I am proud to be their grandchild. But my ultimate inspiration comes from my best friend, the dazzling woman from whom I received my name and my life's blood, Lorelai Gilmore. My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music, unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her. Thank you, Mom. You are my guidepost for everything."_

Jess looked up at Rory as she thanked her family. He could tell even from behind that her little cheering section was completely blubbering, even Luke. He had to smile at her speech. They'd talked about nearly all those books she'd mentioned at some point during their relationship. As she described her relationship with her mother, even the ever-stoic teen could feel himself getting chills.

"As we prepare ourselves today to leave," Rory continued, "we are undoubtedly going to look back on all the adventures we've had, on all the feats we've accomplished. As we approach our futures, we will all be looking back on our past. We will be thinking about that test we failed, that friendship we never would've expected…" She faltered before she said, "The relationship that took an unexpected turn." She looked back up with her confidence restored. "It's important that we remember not to regret anything that transpired over our years at Chilton, but to be grateful from the lessons we learned and appreciate the people that we were privileged to meet. Even if we part ways today and never see each other again, we will still have the memories to cherish."

Rory continued to speak, but Jess didn't hear a word. She was talking about him. He _knew_ she was talking about him. Jess shook his head to clear the tears that were almost threatening to form in his eyes. He had to leave now, or he never would. He took one last look at Rory, looking beautiful in her ugly blue gown, and he walked away.

* * *

Lorelai looked hesitantly at the box in her hands. She had been debating giving it to Rory since they'd gotten home. She knew she had to though. She couldn't conceal something like this from her daughter, as much as she wanted to. She wanted to throw it away without ever showing it to Rory. She wanted Rory to forget about the angry hoodlum who was constantly breaking her heart. She couldn't do that though. Rory loved this boy, and Lorelai had to accept that.

Lorelai entered Rory's room and said, "Done packing?"

Rory looked up with a smile. "Yup. I can't _wait_ to get going."

Lorelai smiled. "It's gonna be a great time." She sat on Rory's bed and handed her the box. "This came in the mail today. I tore the paper off before I realized it was addressed to you. No return address, but the postmark said New York." Lorelai didn't even know if Jess had come from New York, but she figured this way Rory would assume it was from him.

Rory looked at the box hesitantly, before taking it from her mother's hands. With shaky fingers, she opened it and took in a long, shaky breath. She pulled out a silver necklace with a crystal blue heart with a lightening bolt slicing it down the middle. Under the necklace, there was a note. Rory picked it up and read it quietly to herself.

'_Lightening strikes for a reason, and it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Notice how the heart isn't broken. It's just changed. Change doesn't have to be a bad thing.'_

Then, in small print at the bottom was written,

**I'm no good at apologies. That's what this was supposed to be.**

_Jess_

Rory looked up at her mom with tears streaming down her cheeks. Lorelai forgot all ill feelings towards Jess and took her daughter in her arms, allowing her to cry herself to sleep.

* * *

_3 months later_

Rory walked into the diner to find it completely empty. "Luke!" She called.

Luke emerged from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a dishtowel. "Hey, Rory! I was about to close up, but take a seat. What can I get for you?"

Rory smiled and slid into a chair. "A cheeseburger, fries, and a cup of coffee. Thanks so much, Luke. Dinner was inedible at my grandparents' house tonight."

Luke nodded. "Where's your mom?"

"She went right to bed. She was wiped." Rory responded. "But I needed food, and it's been way too long since I've had some good diner food."

Luke smiled. "How was the first week at Yale?"

"Great!" Rory said with a smile. "I can tell already that it's going to be tough, but I'm really excited."

"Good." Luke said with a little bit of pride in his smile. "I'll go get your food."

Rory sat for a moment, looking around the diner. Her gaze fell to a few postcards that were tacked up behind the counter. Shakily, she stood and walked over to them. There was one from Virginia, one from Texas, two from Canada, and one from California.

Luke walked out of the kitchen with a plate of fries and noticed Rory staring at the postcards. He'd tacked them up while she was still in Europe, not even thinking that she'd one day see them.

"They're all from Jess." Luke said, coming up behind her.

Rory nodded, touching one of the cards. Luke put the plate of fries down on the counter and looked over Rory's shoulder. He pointed to the card from California. "That's the last one I got. He called about two weeks ago though. He's still there. He's at Venice Beach."

Rory turned to face Luke with stone in her eyes. "I didn't ask."

Luke was taken aback by her harshness. He nodded. "There are your fries. The burger will be done in a minute."

"Thanks, Luke." Rory said, sitting at the counter.

"How is he?" She called after a moment, unable to keep up her façade of detachment.

Luke returned with her cheeseburger and placed it in front of her. "He's alive." He responded. "He's healthy. That's about all he lets me know. His written communication is about as lacking as his verbal. I guess it's a family thing. I'm told I can be rather monosyllabic too."

Rory laughed. "You talk when you have a reason to. So does he."

Rory looked again on the postcards on the wall with a sad smile. While she was in Europe, it had been easy to forget about him. He still crossed her mind from time to time, but she was so busy that she didn't have a lot of time to think about him. The moment she was back at home though, she was flooded with memories and thoughts of him. She missed him. She missed him a lot.

Luke sat down next to Rory at the counter and looked at the postcards. "I don't think he's coming back."

Rory shrugged and touched the crystal heart dangling from her neck. "I don't think so either. But I didn't think he was coming back after we got in that accident either and he did. He came back."

"Yeah." Luke said unsurely. "He did."

"Do you miss him?' Rory asked, still looking at the postcards.

"No." Luke said with a shrug. He stood up and went to go into the kitchen. He paused in the doorway and said quietly, "Yeah."

Rory sighed and touched her necklace again. "Me too."

* * *

"Hey, Jess." Sasha said as she entered the house.

Jess quickly closed the composition book he was writing in. "Hey Sasha."

His father's girlfriend smiled at him. "It's so cute that you keep a diary."

Jess sighed, annoyed. "It's _not_ a diary."

"It is too!" Lily called from the other room. "You write how you're feeling and what you're thinking and about _Rory_." She poked her head into the room and pushed her glasses up on her nose with a smile.

"Go back to your cupboard!" Jess snapped.

Lily smirked childishly and recited, "I miss you, Rory. I've never put you out of my thoughts. Everything I've done is for you. I hope you understand that."

Jess jumped up. "I _knew _you were reading it, and you memorized it? You are one cracked kid."

Lily smiled impishly before running back to her bookcase and jumping inside.

Sasha smiled at the two. Over the past month and a half, they'd fallen into a pattern that reminded her of the relationship she had with her brother. Having Jess around had been good for her whole family. Lily adored him, Jimmy was happy to have him here, and Sasha couldn't help but like the kid. He reminded her so much of Jimmy.

Jess shook his head. "Your daughter's weird."

Sasha smiled. "Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure that falls under the cliché of the pot calling the kettle black, doll."

Jess smirked. "Yeah, I guess."

Sasha sat down at the table. "Rory's the girl from Stars Hollow, right? The one you left behind."

Jess looked up at Sasha with a raised eyebrow. He'd never talked about Rory to her. He'd mentioned her in passing to Jimmy, but only the fact that there _was_ a girl.

"Call it a woman's intuition, doll." She said with a wink.

"Yeah, Rory is, well, was my girlfriend in Stars Hollow."

Sasha nodded. "You have a picture?"

Jess shook his head, prompting a soft smile from Sasha. "That's not a picture of her you keep taped in the back cover of your diary?"

"It's not a diary!" Jess exclaimed, exasperated. Then, he opened the notebook to the back cover and slid it across the table so Sasha could look at it. Sasha looked down at the book without touching it. The picture was in black and white, and it was of Jess and a dark-haired girl with light eyes. Her hair was up in a ponytail, and Jess's was shorter and less unruly than it was now. She had her arms around Jess's neck, and he had his hands resting on her slim waist.

Sasha smiled at the teenage couple. "That's quite an artsy photograph."

Jess retracted the book and looked at the picture with a gentle smile. "Her friend Lane was taking photographs, trying to find the right "look" for the album cover she was designing. She had one shot left and wasted it on us."

"Doesn't look wasted to me." Sasha replied. "You two look happy."

"Yeah." Jess said quietly. "That didn't last long."

"She the reason you ran away?" Sasha asked.

"Yeah. I didn't want her to see me fall apart." Jess said honestly. Honest communication was still hard for him, but he felt surreally comfortable around Sasha. She was one of the few people he trusted.

"You cleaned yourself up though." Sasha said.

"Yeah." Jess responded.

"You're doing so much better than you were when you got here a month ago." Sasha continued, giving Jess a meaningful look that he didn't really understand.

"Yeah…" Jess said again, trailing off unsurely.

"According to Jimmy, you're practically an entirely different person than the one he met in Stars Hollow."

Jess nodded. "Yeah. I've come to terms with a lot of things."

"So you're not perfect, but you're doing better." Sasha stated.

Jess cocked his head to the side. "What exactly are you trying to say, Sasha?"

"What she's saying," Jimmy started, walking into the room and sitting down next to his girlfriend, "is what are you still doing here, when it's obvious that there's somewhere else you'd rather be?" Jimmy and Sasha looked at each other lovingly before sharing a soft kiss.

Jess felt a pang of loneliness as he watched the two of them. Jimmy turned to his son and said, "I told you when you came out here that it was just temporary, kid. I like having you here, but there's nothing else we can do for you right now. You've done the work. Now you've gotta go get the girl."

Jess swallowed with great difficulty. He knew that Jimmy was right, but he was scared. He was scared that all the work and soul-searching he'd done wouldn't be enough. He didn't want to go back to Rory and still be unable to be what she needed. He didn't want to see the hurt or pain in her eyes that always accompanied his failures. He'd gotten comfortable in his life here with Jimmy and his family. He didn't want to let that comfortable feeling go.

Jimmy smiled at his son. "It's not that you're not welcome here, Jess. But we're kicking you out."

Sasha nodded with a smile. "You've gotten too comfortable here. You've got to go now and see what's what."

"You're right." Jess said with a sigh. "I know you're right. I'll leave within the week."

"We'll help you buy a plane ticket." Jimmy offered.

"No." Jess said, shaking his head. "I want to take the bus."


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: **Besides dirty thoughts about Jess, I own nothing. If I did, I wouldn't be working at a gas station to make my way through school.

**A/N:** Thanks, as always, for the delightful reviews. This chapter is a little longer than usual, and it leads up to some really, REALLY big stuff that will be fun to write and hopefully for you to read. Reviews have been clinically proved to make me write faster. (If that wasn't blatant pleading, then what is?)

**Chapter 7**

"So are you coming back home tonight?" Lorelai asked. She and Rory walked out of the elder Gilmore residence together. Lorelai had her arm slung casually around her daughter's shoulders.

"No." Rory said with a shake of her head. "I've got a date tomorrow."

"Really?" Lorelai said, trying not to sound too excited. "With who?"

"This guy in my dorm. His name is Nate. He asked me out during orientation, but I turned him down. After last weekend though, seeing the postcards in the diner and talking to Luke, I just really felt so confused. So Nate asked me out again this week, and I said yes. I figured it couldn't hurt anything." Rory said, staring intently at her shoes as she walked.

Lorelai kissed Rory's head and stopped in front of her Jeep. "It's for the best, babe. You know that, right? You know he isn't coming back?"

Rory nodded, fighting back tears. "See, that's the thing. My head keeps telling me that he's not, but I just feel like…maybe my head is wrong."

Lorelai smiled sadly. "I know that you want to believe that, kiddo, but you have to face facts. He actually took the time to say goodbye to you. He fully admitted he didn't know if he was coming back. He said that he doesn't love you. He hates Stars Hollow. It's not looking like we'll be throwing him a homecoming party anytime soon." Her tone was gentle for her daughter's sake, but still did nothing to hide her distaste for Jess.

Rory nodded. "No, I know you're right. I'm just…hoping you're wrong."

Lorelai cocked her head to the side and looked at her daughter thoughtfully for a very long time. Finally, she asked, "Why are you holding on to him like this?"

Rory shrugged and thought about the question. She tossed around several answers in her mind before responding, "I saw something in him that made me love him."

"We all make mistakes in judgment. It's OK to admit that." Lorelai said, trying desperately to get through to her daughter.

"That's the thing though, mom." Rory said with a small smile. "I don't think I made a mistake."

Lorelai saw the way Rory's eyes clouded over and the way her mouth curved into a wistful smile. This wasn't the puppy love she'd felt for Dean. This was the real thing for Rory. Jess was her Christopher. He was the mistake she loved to keep making. One day though, she was going to realize that you couldn't keep making the same mistake and still be happy.

"I'm gonna get going." Rory whispered. She leaned in and kissed her mom on the cheek. "Night, mom."

"Night, kid." Lorelai said affectionately. She watched her daughter go to her car and drive off before getting into her own car and leaving.

* * *

"You didn't have to walk with me to the bus stop, Lily." Jess said, tossing down his duffel bag and plopping down on the bench.

"I know that." Lily said. "I wanted to. Mom and Jimmy couldn't come. Someone should be here to see you off. Besides," She sighed girlishly. "It's all so romantic."

Jess rolled his eyes. Lily sat down next to him and looked up at him with excited eyes that were magnified by her glasses. She asked, "Are you gonna tell her everything you wrote in your diary?"

"It is _not_ a diary." Jess growled. Then his tone softened. "I don't know. I don't know what I'll say to her."

Lily shrugged. "Tell her the truth."

"The truth." Jess said thoughtfully. "And what exactly is the truth, Lily?"

Lily propped her skinny elbows up on her knees and dropped her head in her hands. "I dunno. All the things you wrote in your…non-diary."

"How much of it did you read?" Jess asked, slightly exasperated.

"Umm, all of it?" Lily admitted guiltily.

Jess shook his head. Only one person knew all of his secrets, and it was his father's girlfriend's daughter.

"Ya know, I put in a written request for a brother in January." Lily said factually.

Jess nodded. "Your mom told me that. I hope it happens for you."

Lily looked up at Jess and she was smiling widely. She put her small hand inside his slightly larger, calloused one. "It already did."

Jess looked down at where his hand sat entwined with Lily's. Over the past month, he and the kid had gotten pretty close. She read many books he was familiar with, and they talked about them together. His first week there, he'd gone for a walk by himself. She'd followed him out to the boardwalk, thinking that she was being sneaky. She wasn't. The first time it'd happened, he sent her back home. The second, he'd turned around and walked back with her. The third time she followed him out, they'd walked around together for about twenty minutes. Each time, they would go out for longer. They were friends, and she was the closest thing to a sister he ever had.

Jess smiled at her. "You're one cracked kid." He said affectionately, pulling his hand away from her. He looked up and saw the bus coming down the road. "There's my bus, kid. I gotta go."

Lily nodded and stood. She pulled a worn paperback out of her back pocket and handed it to him. "Here. I thought you could use a good love story to read on the way back."

Jess accepted the book and looked down at the title: _Anna Karenina_. He'd read it, of course. It was one of Rory's favorites. "I appreciate the thought, kid. But have you read this book? The ending isn't so inspiring to young lovers."

Lily shook her head at Jess's ignorance. "It's the ultimate love story, Jess. Anna Karenina _knows_ what most people spend their whole lives trying to figure out."

"What's that?" Jess asked awkwardly. Anything on the topic of love was still a strange subject for him.

Lily rolled her eyes as if the answer was obvious. "That love is the only thing that makes life worth living. Duh."

Jess smiled at her. "You're quite possibly the smartest ten-year-old I've ever met."

"Thanks." Lily said brightly as the bus pulled up. "This is the part where we hug."

Jess leaned over and gave the girl a brief but affectionate hug. "I'll see ya around, kid."

"Bye, Jess." Lily said, smiling sadly. She didn't even wait for him to pick up his duffel bag before she was running down the street back to her house.

Jess shook his head with a smile as he watched her run home. "Weird kid." He said to himself. He took a deep breath and stepped onto the bus.

* * *

"So do you have Maddox for American Lit?" Nate asked Rory, taking a sip of his drink.

"Hmm?" Rory asked, looking up at her date. "Oh, no. I'm not taking American Lit this semester."

"Well, when you do, do _not_ take it with Maddox. The man-."

Nate continued to talk about his Lit professor, and Rory found herself tuning out again. It wasn't that Nate was boring. In fact, the parts of his stories that Rory paid attention to were actually quite interesting. It also wasn't that he wasn't attractive, because he was. He was tall with a muscular build. He had shaggy blonde hair and clear green eyes. His smile was perfect without being fake, and he seemed to take a genuine interest in everything that Rory said. He was a nice guy and Rory liked him, but wasn't Jess, and that was all three strikes rolled into one.

"So what's your hometown like?" Nate asked. "Stars Hollow, right?"

Rory nodded. "It's an amazing place to live. Quiet, picturesque. All the people are really friendly, and everyone knows everybody else. I swear, sometimes I think the cast of characters is straight out of a novel."

"Sounds like heaven." Nate commented.

"To some." Rory said with a smile, thinking about Jess. "Hell to others, I suppose. Where are you from?"

"California." Nate said. "Santa Monica. That's a great place to live. The beaches are beautiful, the tourists are always good for a laugh, and the weather is amazing. I'm still getting used to autumn."

The two shared a laugh and Rory said, "Santa Monica is close to Venice, right?" She knew that it was because after Luke had told her Jess was in Venice, she had dutifully looked it up on a map, circling the area with a pencil before becoming frustrated with herself and erasing the mark.

"Yes, they actually run right into each other. You've been to Venice Beach?" Nate asked curiously, excited at the possibility of a connection.

"No." Rory shook her head. "I have a friend who's living out there right now."

_Friend_. The word sounded foreign and awkward in Rory's mouth. It had been difficult to even form in on her tongue. Even when they were only 'just friends,' the term had always sounded funny to her. She knew from the moment she met him that he was destined to be more than her friend. He was the one who had changed her life, rocked her world, and taught her what it meant to have passion in her life. He wasn't her friend. He was her everything.

"Your friend is really lucky. Don't get me wrong, it's nice out here and this whole changing of the leaves is really pretty, but I was meant to be a California boy." Nate said, flashing his charming smile.

Rory smiled back, but it was forced. Nate didn't seem to notice though, and continued to make conversation.

"So, what's your friend doing living in California? Is she going to school out there?" Nate questioned.

Rory sighed inwardly, regretting bringing the subject up. She had no choice but to talk about it now. "It's a he, actually, and no. He's kinda doing this self-discovery thing, I guess is the best way to put it."

"Ah," Nate said, nodding in understanding. "I can't tell you how many people I know who decided to try to find themselves before heading off to college."

"Yeah." Rory said, thinking quickly to try to change the subject. "Not for me though. The best place for me to discover myself is in college."

Nate nodded. "I feel the same way. I've always wanted to go to an Ivy League school. Harvard was my dream, actually. I didn't get in though."

Rory shifted her eyes guiltily, a move which Nate noticed immediately. "You got in to Harvard, didn't you?" He asked with a smile. "You got in and chose Yale instead."

"Yeah." Rory said, nodding. "I decided I wanted to be close to home." _Because of Jess_. She cursed herself for even having that thought. She knew deep down that Jess was a main reason for that decision, but had tried desperately to convince herself that he wasn't.

Nate nodded. "That's respectable. I love my family, but I felt like this was something I had to do. I had to get used to being away from them, you know? Besides, we're not terribly close. How about your family?"

"It's just my mom and me, but we're really close. We're best friends." Rory responded, thankful to finally have landed on a topic that wouldn't remind her of Jess.

"That's really cool. My dad and I get along pretty well, but I would never call him my friend. He's just my dad. My little sister Jessie and I fight like animals though. We're so different. She's into all this angry punk music and she has this really annoying 'screw the world' attitude. I just wanna shake her and go, "Jess, come back to planet Earth!'" He said with a laugh.

Rory nodded along with a small, fake smile plastered on her face. The universe hated her. That was the only explanation for it. She had done something terribly wrong in a past life, and the universe was seeking its revenge by playing a cruel joke on her.

"So what kind of music do you like?" Rory asked, finally accepting that any conversation topic was going to lead her back to thoughts of Jess and that there was no point in avoiding it.

* * *

Rory and Nate were laughing as they entered their dorm building together. Rory paused in front of her door and motioned to it with her hand. "This is me."

Nate nodded, looking expectantly at the door and then back at Rory. Rory didn't miss the look in his eyes, and knew that he was counting on being invited in.

"I'd invite you in." Rory said, "But I know my roommates, and at least two of them are asleep right now and Paris would castrate you if we woke her up."

Nate flinched at the thought. "That's cool. Another time, then." He flashed his charming smile for the umpteenth time. "I had fun tonight."

"I did too." Rory said. It wasn't a lie. Though she had never been able to push Jess from her mind, that hadn't stopped her from enjoying Nate's company. He was sweet and funny and a nice guy. Rory could honestly say that she hadn't had this much fun since she'd returned from Europe.

Nate grinned at her and leaned in. Rory stiffened for a moment, realizing what was about to happen. She was about to be kissed. A boy who was not Jess was about to kiss her, and she wasn't sure if she wanted him to or not.

Nate's lips met hers with complete confidence, and he kissed her as if he was positive she was going to let him.

_"I moved back." It was a statement interlaced with insecurity._

_"But, what? Why?" Rory asked, as shocked as she was thrilled._

_"Just wanted to." He almost looked sheepish as he said it._

_Rory crashed into Jess with a force she didn't know she possessed. She pressed her lips firmly against his. She could feel his hesitance as she kissed him, and she could pinpoint the exact moment where his hesitance had melted into pleased acceptance. That was the moment she pulled away from him, terrified about what she'd just done._

Rory allowed her arms to fall to her sides as she forced her body to respond to the kiss. Nate brought his hands to the small of her back, and Rory knew that now was time to pull away. She did so graciously, with a sweet smile.

Nate smiled again. "I'll see you soon. Count on it."

Rory nodded. "OK. Good night, Nate."

"Night, Rory."

Rory entered her dorm room and slumped back against the door with a sigh. He was a good guy, and a good kisser. She almost wanted to go on a second date with him. He only had one flaw, and it was inexcusable.

He wasn't Jess.

* * *

It was 2:30 in the afternoon when Jess's bus pulled into Stars Hollow. He looked around skeptically, surprised at the vague feeling pulling on him. It wasn't relief or happiness. It was something resembling comfort, as if he was back where he needed to be.

Jess slung his bag over his shoulder and hesitantly looked in the direction of the diner. He had to get right down to business, but it was a weekday so he figured Rory would be down at school. He'd have to wait for her to come home, but she wasn't the only one he needed to talk to. He needed to talk to Luke; to make things as right as possible. He needed to apologize, and that was the scariest thing in the world to him. Well, the second scariest. The first scariest had brown hair, haunting blue eyes and a private school education.

Bells jangled as Jess pushed open the door to the diner. Every table was full and Luke was rushing around, looking almost frazzled. Jess just stood in the doorway, waiting to be noticed. Luke put a plate in front of a customer before looking up at the door.

"A table should open…oh." He trailed off, looking at Jess. "Hey."

Jess nodded. "Hey."

"Drop the bag behind the counter. The orders that are up go to the table by the window." Luke commanded gruffly.

"Luke…" Jess said guiltily, feeling like something else should be said.

"The order pads haven't moved." Luke said, hurrying away to take an order.

* * *

Later that evening, Jess turned the diner's lock and swung the sign around to the side that said 'Sorry, we're closed.' He grabbed a bottle of cleaning solution and a rag and started wiping off tables.

"Sit." Luke commanded Jess. Jess looked up and saw that he was sitting at a table with his hands folded in front of him.

Jess put down his rag and sat down across from Luke.

"What is this?" Luke demanded emotionlessly. He refused to admit that he cared about the answer.

"I came back." Jess said simply, glad that Luke couldn't see him wringing his hands underneath the table.

"I can see that." Luke said. "Why?"

Jess shrugged. "It was just time to come home."

Luke did a double take at Jess's choice of words. "This is home?"

Jess sat in silence for a moment before responding. "I think it might be."

Luke shook his head in baffled amusement. "Never thought I'd hear you say that."

Jess smirked. "Me either. I've been doing a lot of thinking though, and I realized that I've never felt better than I do when I'm here."

"Wow. I don't think I've ever heard you form a sentence that honest, or long for that matter." Luke said.

Jess just shrugged. Uncle and nephew stared at each other in total silence for a long moment before Jess said, "I owe you an apology. Actually, I owe you several apologies. I didn't handle anything right while I was here."

"No, no you didn't. I broke my back trying to help you, Jess. You just wouldn't let me though. Everything good I tried to do for you, you undid tenfold."

"And I'm apologizing for it right now. There's no way that you can make me feel any guiltier than I do. I know now that you were trying to help me, but I needed to figure things out for myself first." Jess replied. "I'm sorry I screwed up. I'm sorry that I made your life so hard. I'm sorry you got stuck with me in the first place."

"Sometimes, very rarely, but every now and then, I liked having you here."

The silence returned, equally heavy but not as uncomfortable as it had been. Luke's eyes were on the table, and Jess's were on a spot behind Luke's head.

"I stole your car." Luke blurted out.

"What?" Jess asked, confused.

"Yeah, when your car went missing? That was me. I stole it and hid it. I thought I could force you to go to school."

Jess knew he should be angry. He almost was, but it was overpowered by --something bigger-gratitude.

"Thanks." Jess said.

"No problem." Luke responded. "You can have it back. Use it to go…wherever you need to. I'm sure it could make a trip to New Haven."

Jess sighed. "How is she?"

"She's Rory. She's strong." Luke responded, knowing it was a vague answer.

"Yeah, she is." Jess agreed.

Luke hesitated before saying, "She's trying to move on."

Jess noticed the wording and smirked. "The question is though, is she succeeding?"

Luke laughed at that. "I guess you'll find out." Then, after a pause, he continued, "You know you can't stay here."

"I wasn't going to ask." Jess responded. He couldn't take advantage of Luke any longer. It wasn't fair to either of them. Besides, Jess knew that he had broken their agreement. He hadn't graduated. He hadn't followed the rules. He didn't deserve the privilege of staying with Luke again. "I've got a little cash. I'll go to the motel."

Luke nodded. "If you need a job, I'm hiring. My last employee quit really suddenly."

"Yeah?" Jess asked, smirking. "Well, I can guarantee I'm a lot more reliable than that guy."

"Good." Luke said with a nod, standing up. "Because if you aren't, then you're fired. Be here tomorrow at 10 A.M."

Jess's smirk eased into something resembling a smile as he said, "You got it, boss."

* * *

Jess put down his order pad on the counter and said, "Luke, I'm out of here for the day, man!"

Luke nodded. "Fine. See you tomorrow, Jess."

Jess walked down the street and to the bookstore. Luke had given him all his books back except for _A Farewell to Arms_. It had gone missing and Luke couldn't find it anywhere in the apartment. Jess was upset because he'd made some really good notes in his copy, but he decided to buy another one. He figured, if nothing else, Murphy's Law would kick in and he'd find the book as soon as he bought a new copy.

Jess pushed open the door and entered the bookstore. It was the first time he'd been there since he'd gotten home. He stood in the doorway for a moment and inhaled the familiar scent of books.

"Hello, Jess." Andrew said from behind the counter. "I heard you were back in town. That'll be good for my business."

Jess nodded. "Hey, Andrew." Better person or not, Jess still didn't have the patience for small talk. He quickly made his way to the shelves before he'd be forced to chitchat with Andrew any longer.

Jess approached the row where he knew all the Hemingway books were arranged neatly by year of publication and not alphabetically by title. He paused right before turning. She was there. He knew it. He could feel it by the way the hair on his arms became suddenly tingly. Jess turned down the aisle and saw her standing there. She gripped a hardcover book tightly against her chest, as if using it to protect her heart.

"Hey." Jess said, scratching his head lightly as he looked at her nervously.

Rory looked at him, her eyes slowly filling with tears. She dropped her book on the ground, allowing it to crash with a thud. She swiftly strode past him, allowing her shoulder to knock into his. They both felt the electricity that passed between them, but neither said anything. Rory stalked over to the door, but before she left, she turned to face Jess with a small smile playing on her lips. Jess returned the smile hesitantly, allowing it to widen after Rory had departed.

* * *

"Mom!" Rory exclaimed frantically, running into the house. "Mom, where are you?"

"Here! I'm here!" Lorelai said, hurrying out from the kitchen. "What's up? Are you OK?"

Rory nodded, and then shook her head. "No." She said, tears streaming down her face. "Yes. Both. Mom, Jess is back!"

Lorelai nodded. "I know."

"You know?" Rory asked, wide-eyed.

Lorelai nodded again. "I saw him working at the diner two days ago."

"Why didn't you say anything to me?" Rory demanded.

"I didn't want to be the one to tell you. I thought it'd be better if you saw for yourself first." Lorelai said. Her logic was simple. She figured it'd make her angrier to see Jess for herself, and they angrier she was, the better the chance that she wouldn't forgive him. Lorelai still felt that Jess was going to keep hurting her, and she didn't want him to.

"What should I do?" Rory asked helplessly.

Lorelai shrugged. "I dunno, kid. Did you talk to him?"

"No." Rory said, smiling softly. "I promised I wouldn't."

Lorelai tilted her head in confusion. Realizing Rory didn't tend to elaborate, she just shrugged. "OK. You're going to talk to him though?"

"I think so. I don't know." Tears were still streaming from her eyes. "I didn't know it could hurt more to have him back then it did to have him leave."

"I did." Lorelai said, slinging an arm around her daughter's shoulders. "No matter what happens though, sweetie, you're going to end up crying. You know that, right?"

"Yeah," Rory said, dropping her head on her mother's shoulder miserably. "I know."

The doorbell rang and Rory stiffened. "It's him." She whispered. "I can feel it."

"I'll tell him to leave." Lorelai said, heading to the door.

"No." Rory said. "No. I'll answer it."

Rory took a moment to compose herself before she opened the door. Jess was standing there, his hands behind his back. "Hey."

Rory stood there looking at him. "Hi." She said quietly.

"I didn't know how long I should wait before I sought you out again." Jess said awkwardly. "So I thought I'd come by and see if it was too soon, and if so, maybe I could get a timeframe as to when it wouldn't be too soon." He paused briefly. "You cut your hair."

"Yeah." Rory said, touching the short strands. _Because you used to toy with the ends when you hugged me, and it hurt too much to not have your hands there_. She didn't say it aloud of course, but she was thinking it.

"You look great." Jess blurted.

"Thanks. You let your hair grow." She almost reached out to touch the unruly mop, but restrained herself.

"Yeah." Jess said. _You liked it short, and it hurt to think of you each time I looked in a mirror._ "Not much extra cash for haircuts."

"Looks lousy." Rory said, sniffing back a tear that threatened to fall. She leaned against the doorway and looked at him, looked deep into him. There was something in his eyes she'd never seen before. Vulnerability.

"You really did it, didn't you?" Rory asked in amazement. "You found what you were looking for?"

Jess nodded. "Yeah. You wanna know the funny thing though?"

"Probably not." Rory said, her heart heavy with pain. He had found what he needed, but what if it wasn't enough to make him love her? What if it wasn't enough to keep him from hurting her again?

"The funny thing, Rory, is that I went away to find what was right here."

A tear slipped down her face, and Rory did nothing to stop it. It rolled slowly down her cheek and under her chin before falling to the porch with a tiny, practically inaudible splash. "Don't do that, Jess. Don't come back here and say sweet things and make me love you and forget that you don't love me. Don't charm me into forgiving you. It just might kill me."

He could hear her heart breaking as she said the words. "Rory…" He started.

"No, Jess." She whispered. "I'm asking you to leave me alone. I can't let you keep hurting me. I'm glad you found yourself, but I just can't be in this relationship anymore."

"So what exactly are you saying?" Jess asked, scared of the answer. It was her. It was always her. Didn't she know that?

"I'm saying just leave me alone, Jess." Rory responded. She took a step back. "I can't be in this anymore. It hurts too much."

"But Rory, can't we even talk about this? I've changed, I've figured so much out." Jess said, pleading. "Can't you just listen to me.

Begging. Jess Mariano was pleading with her. Maybe he had changed. "No." Rory said, shaking her head. "There's no possible way that it's enough. There's just no way. I love you, Jess, but it's not enough." She looked at him once more. "Just leave me alone." She whispered, shutting the door in his face.

"Yeah." Jess said to himself. "Definitely too soon."

Jess removed his hands from behind his back, revealing what he'd been ready to give to Rory. He placed it on the welcome mat to be found later on before walking away.

When Rory opened the door later on, she kicked the object accidentally, and then bent over to pick it up. Her sad face twisted to one of confusion as she looked at the plain notebook with a Post-it stuck to the cover that read, "My pick of the month."

* * *

Coming up next: Jess's non-diary! This is going to be fun, but really hard to write. This chapter might take a while, but I think so reviews would help me write faster!


	8. Chapter 8: Jess's nondiary

_

* * *

Rory,_

_I first had the idea to start writing things down while I was in New York. That's where I went first. I went back to New York. I didn't want to go back there, not even a little, but I had to. Of all the places I've ever wanted to go, back to New York was on the bottom of the list. I had to go back though. If I wanted to do this thing right, I knew that I needed some cash. So, I went to New York to get it. Don't worry, it was all perfectly legal, I promise. Anyway, it was there when I first had the idea to start writing everything down. The idea followed me back up to Connecticut, and down to Virginia. I couldn't shake t he idea, as much as I wanted to. So, I broke down and I bought a notebook. I ended up throwing that one away. I couldn't write without writing to someone, and you're the only person I want to write to. So I bought this notebook. I know that you'll probably never read this, but it's just easier to write if I pretend I'm writing to you._

_I stayed in New York for two weeks, and believe me when I say they were the two most uncomfortable weeks of my life. I loved New York once, and I guess I still do in a way. There's just something about the city that will probably always speak to me in some inexplicable way. I think it's because I can relate to it really well. If you sit and watch a city street, the first thing you notice is all the motion. The entire city is constantly buzzing with action and movement, but there's too much going on. In fact, there's so much going on that it all seems still if you really watch. There's so much happening that it seems like nothing of significance happening. I think that's me, you know? There's so much happening that it just seems like nothing. Or maybe I just give myself too much credit. Maybe the reason I play the silent, brooding rebel is that it's the only way I know to make people leave me alone. Of course, it doesn't work too well, I guess. I mean, I have you and Luke who both pretty much refuse to hate me. You actually remind me of my two best friends in New York, Billy and Ava. They never let me get away with trying to distance myself from them and, trust me, I tried. You'd like them. Billy's like me, except a little less sarcastic. Some people think we're brothers, actually. And Ava's, well, Ava. They're the reason I love New York, and also the reason I left the first time. And the second time. And this time. _

_I'm in Virginia now. I have been for about a week. I don't know why I got off the bus in Virginia instead of taking it all the way to Florida like I'd intended, but I did. I just felt like it was time to get off the bus, which is very strange because usually I ride a bus for as long as possible. In fact, when I came to Stars Hollow, I actually rode the bus passed the town before I took one back, just because I wanted to ride the bus some more. Riding the bus gives me a feeling of tranquility that I can't replicate any place else. I came close one time when I was sitting on a bridge talking about books with this girl, but I've never found that exact feeling of peace any other place than sitting on a bus looking out the window. I've never told anyone that before. I've never even written it down. It feels kind of good to see it written there. I think I'll write it down again. I, Jess F. Mariano, love to ride the bus._

_Anyway, that was an entertaining little tangent I just went off on. Where was I? Oh yes, Virginia. I'm in Virginia. Actually, I'm at Virginia Beach right now. It's the first time I've seen the ocean, you know. That was rhetorical, of course. I know that you didn't know that. I would've had to tell you that for you to know it. It would've involved actual conversation, and we didn't have too many of those. _

_There's something beautiful about the ocean. It's got a kind of charm that I can't put my finger on. It's quietly beautiful. It doesn't have anything specifically dazzling about it. It just kind of waits for you to notice it, and you're forced to. There's no way to just walk by without not noticing the ocean. It's too amazing to ignore. I think it has the same appeal as New York City in that there has to be something brewing beneath the surface, but just by looking at it, you'd never know. Alright, I guess that's all I'm going to write right now._

_Jess_

_Rory,_

_I did something dorky today. Like, so dorky that you_ _are going to think it's dorky. Not that I'm calling you a dork or anything, except that I am and you are. Anyway, I finally pulled myself away from the beach. I headed inland to Williamsburg. Prepare yourself to be amazed at my dork-like tendencies. I toured Colonial Williamsburg. I resisted the urge to actually take a tour, and I did a self-guided one. I bought this really cool guidebook that listed all the really interesting places where historical stuff happened and I then proceeded to go to all the places the book mentioned. Williamsburg was actually really integral during Colonial times. It was a really important town, and a lot of cool stuff happened here. I sent Luke a postcard with a picture of the town square on it. It sort of reminds me of Stars Hollow. You'd like it here._

_I hadn't intended to send Luke a postcard or to even keep in contact with him. I just couldn't stop myself though. I figured he'd be worrying, and I don't want him to worry. Not about me. I don't deserve that. I don't deserve to have him worry about me. He's too good for that. Seriously, I don't think I've ever met a more amazing guy than Luke. He continually saved my ass and took care of me. He took me in when no one wanted to have anything to do with me. Granted, he didn't know exactly why I was leaving New York. He still doesn't. But that didn't matter. He was totally cool with me. He was always straight with me too. He was the first person in the world who did something completely selfless for me. He just might be the closest thing to real family that I'll ever know._

_I wonder when he's finally going to hook up with your mom._

_Jess_

_Rory,_

_Montreal Canada. I don't know what inspired me to come to Canada, but here I am. I think I just wanted to see some place foreign. I mean, I know going to Canada's not exactly the same as touring Europe, but it's the best that I can do right now. I wonder where you are right now. According to that itinerary you were making up, you should be in Italy. Who knows though? Maybe you met Johnny Depp and your mother and he are now happily married. There would be a lot of things worse than having Johnny Depp as a stepfather and living in France. Take my two stepfathers. Or was it three? I don't even know which ones my mom was actually married to. She definitely wasn't married to Ryan. He was really nice guy, which probably threw him out of the running for husband #4. He smoked a lot of pot, and by a lot, I mean more than my mom does. But, he was nice. He liked The Clash and The Stooges. In fact, he's the one who gave me my copy of Please Kill Me. I never did lend you that book. You'd like it. Anyway, Ryan might be the only guy my mom was with that I actually like. Strike that, he's definitely the only one I liked. He died about two years ago. He drove drunk and crashed into this truck. He got thrown from the car and died on impact. I hold no sympathy. I may have liked him, but I can't feel bad for someone so foolish. If you're fool enough to drive drunk, you deserve whatever happens to you. _

_I haven't had a drink in forever, which is pretty impressive considering I can legally drink here. I just haven't felt like it. Sobriety isn't as bad as I used to think it was. I like remembering everything I'm thinking, and most of what I'm feeling. I used to think it was better to drink until I forgot my pain. I learned that while this might hurt a little more, it's better for me to deal with this stuff. I feel, I don't know, stronger I guess. Yeah, stronger is the right word. I feel like being alone with my thoughts, coping with this reality is making me stronger. It hasn't killed me yet, anyway. Hopefully, it stays that way._

_Jess_

_Rory,_

_I'm renting this room above a bar here in Montreal. Well, actually I'm sharing it with this French-Canadian kid named Pierre. I know, right? I promise I'm not making that up. If I were going to make something up, it wouldn't be that cliché. We both asked about the room on the same day, but neither of us could afford it on our own. So, we agreed to split it. I actually probably could've afforded it by myself, but I don't know how long my cash has to last me because I don't know how long I'll be gone. _

_Anyway, back to Pierre. I'm screwed up, but this kid is like movie-of-the-week screwed up. He's a runaway from Alberta, I think. That's a province up here, which I'm sure you knew already. He's the youngest of five siblings, all girls. Apparently, he spent his whole life being compared to his sisters, and it drove him crazy. That's not even half the story though. Get this, he woke up one night to screaming. He comes downstairs and his eldest sister is strangling the youngest one. He called the cops, but it was too late. His sister Monique died, and Angelica is in jail. About two years ago, right after Angelica was sentenced, his dad starting hitting him. He beat him so bad that the poor guy still walks with a limp. So, he ran off. He's the oldest sixteen year old that I've never met. I've never pitied anyone in my life, but this is the closest I've ever come. He's got a really great sense of humor, and an amazing knowledge of good 90s rock. He knows all the words to Runaway Train by Soul Asylum in English and in French. That's a great song. Wrong way on a one-way track. Great line._

_Jess_

_Rory,_

_I got back to the room today and Pierre was crying. He misses his home. He misses his sisters and his mom. He even misses his dad even though he beats him. He said something to me that's kind of been haunting me since he said it. It really hit close to home._

"_I left because I hated my life. I hated the people around me, I hated the way they treated me, and I hated the way they made me feel about myself. Here's the thing, Jess. I thought I hated me because of them. I hate me because of me. It's no one's fault but mine. I made my life what it is."_

_Then, he said something in French. I wouldn't even dare try to write it down because I could never spell it. I asked him what it meant later though, and he told me._

_"Knowing it was me who ruined my life is scarier than anything I've seen." _

_He was right. That is the scariest truth a person could ever know. I speak from experience on that one._

_Jess_

_Rory,_

_Pierre moved out today. He's going home. He misses his family. After all that's happened to him, he just couldn't stand to be away from them. He's going to stand up to his dad. He knows it's going to be hard, but he doesn't care. He doesn't want to be away from them anymore. He's found something worth fighting for, and he's ready to fight. Knowing it was me who ruined my life is the scariest thought I could ever have. Besides Dean, Pierre's the only person I've ever envied. He's so much braver than I am. But I hope that changes. I hope one day I'm brave enough to fight for what I care about._

_Jess_

_Rory,_

_I moved out of the room I was sharing with Pierre now that he's gone. It just didn't feel right staying there without him. I think I've had enough of Canada for now anyway. I do like it here though. I think I'll come back someday. Right now though, I think I'm gonna head back to the United States. Someplace where they don't speak French. What's the opposite of French? Spanish, I guess. I really don't wanna go to Mexico, but maybe Arizona or something. I'll just start heading south, and see what happens._

_Part of me likes this nomad thing. It's nice to be able to just pick up and leave whenever I feel like it. I won't lie though. It's lonely. I kinda miss New York. I miss my friend Billy. I don't miss Billy now. I miss the Billy I was friends with before all the shit that happened. He changed after everything happened. I changed too. Believe it or not, I wasn't so lousy of a person before, well, just before. I wasn't a saint or anything, but I wasn't the shell of a human being you came to know and love. I had a soul. Then I lost it. _

_I miss Ava too. Every time I saw Ava, I was forced to smile. Her happiness was infectious. You couldn't not smile when Ava was smiling. Billy and me called her Ava Adore. I know you're not a Smashing Pumpkins fan, but I'm sure you get the reference. I wish I could see Ava again though. I can't. And I don't deserve to. _

_I miss your smile. I'm sorry I couldn't make you smile more._

_Jess_

_Rory,_

_I'm still heading south. I don't even know where I am right now. I think I'm in Kansas, but I've lost track. It doesn't even matter. Ever since I last wrote, all I can thing about is New York. I've been running away from it for so long and it's finally catching up with me. I've been on the bus for so long, and it usually helps me clear my head and forget my problems. This time though, it's doing the exact opposite to me. All I can think about is my life in New York, and how everything went to Hell so quickly. _

_Ava and Billy dated. Did I tell you that? They did. They more than dated. They were madly in love. They got engaged when we were 17. It was symbolic more than anything. They weren't planning to get married until we were in our twenties, but they got engaged. Billy put a cheap ring on Ava Adore's finger and we celebrated with a few cases of beer. I've never been as happy for two people as I was for Billy and Ava. They were so in love it was almost disgusting. Almost._

_There used to be this really great picture of the three of us in my room. Me and Billy, holding Ava in our arms while she struck a pose. She was beautiful. Long, black hair and bright blue eyes not unlike yours. She was tall, like 6 feet tall. That's not an exaggeration. She had the longest legs I've ever seen. She could wear a normal girl's jeans as capris, and she looked killer in a miniskirt. Anyway, the picture is gone now. I took it out of the frame because I couldn't stand to look at us anymore. I threw it away. The only picture I had of me and my best friends and I threw it away because I was scared and so upset. They were such great friends to me, and we loved to be together. We were so happy and now it's over. It's over because of me. I killed Ava. _

_Jess_

_Rory,_

_I'm in Texas now. It's hot and I bought a pair of shorts. Stop laughing. I'm staying in this really trashy motel and I share my bathroom with a family of cockroaches. It's not as bad as it sounds. It's worse. You'd hate it. I've been mulling over that last thing I wrote since I wrote it. I've never written that down before. I've never said it. I've tried to keep myself from even thinking it, but it's true. I killed Ava. I was completely and totally responsible for the destruction of her life, and mine, and Billy's. I killed us all in a way. I didn't murder her, but I might as well have. I might has well have taken a knife and stabbed her to death, because I killed her. I killed her. I killed her. I never wrote it down before. It feels better to see it written down, but not really. I mean, it's liberating to admit it, but does it make things OK? Does it make things better? Does it bring my best friend back? Does it change the fact that she's dead or that both Billy and I died a little when she did? Does it make me less responsible for what happened? Does it make time move backwards so I can change the past and bring her back? Does it make anything different? No. The only thing that's different is that now I've committed to paper the fact that I'm a murderer. I murdered my best friend._

_You would've loved her, you know. She's like your mom. Was like your mom. I still have trouble with the tenses, even after two years. Anyway, she was very witty. She had this amazingly sharp wit, and she used it as a defense mechanism. Just like your mom. Underneath it all though, she had an amazing heart. There was nothing she wouldn't do for the people she cared about. I wish you could've met my Ava Adore. She lit up my life. Don't get me wrong, we were always just friends, but she still lit up my life. When she died, when I killed her, I never thought I'd see light in my life again. I thought I was doomed to an existence that was dark and meaningless._

_Then I met you, and you smiled at me. There was light again, and I didn't know what to do about it. I still don't know what to do about it._

_Jess_

_Rory,_

_Today's my birthday. I'm 19 years old. I'm a high school dropout with no family who ran away from the only good things in his life. Happy birthday to me. I'm still in Texas, but I think I'm going to head to California. That's where my dad lives, my real dad that is. I met him, you know. That was rhetorical. I know I never told you. It was the day I left. He came to see me in Stars Hollow. We sat in his room and we talked about David Bowie and other good music. He told me about his business down in Santa Monica. He owns a hot dog place. I thought that things went really well between us. Then, he did what the Mariano men do best. He ran. As soon as I left his room, he bolted. Nice, huh? I was so pissed. I didn't think I'd get as mad as I did. I thought that I was just seeing us as two strangers with some kind of affinity for great music. Then, after I got into that fight with Luke and I went to see him, just to see if I could crash there until things cooled down. I thought…I don't know what I thought. I still don't know what I was thinking. I think that I thought that something more happened than did. I thought that he came to see me because he wanted to be friends or something. He ran. So I don't know what he wanted. I punched a wall. Still, I think I want to go see him. Get some closure, get some insight as to who I am, get some something. I don't know. I don't know what I want or what I'm doing or who I am. I know that I miss you like crazy. I know that this whole journey has just made me realize that more and more with each passing day. I can't help but look at the photograph of us. We were happy for a little while, weren't we? Things weren't completely terrible? I didn't screw it up entirely. I miss your eyes. I miss your smile. I miss you, Rory. I've never put you out of my thoughts. Everything I've done is for you. I hope you understand that. I hope you understand that I want to change. I just don't know if I can. I'm trying though. I'm really trying. _

_I called Luke today. He remembered my birthday. I wonder if you remembered too._

_Jess_

_Rory, _

_Do you know what a back alley abortion is? I'm sure you've at least heard the phrase used before. It's an abortion that's not, well, legal. It's all completely off the radar. You don't see them a lot in New York, because abortion is legal for minors as long as a parent accompanies them. I mean, I guess there are more than I know about but you just don't hear about them very often. _

_Billy and Ava started having sex when we were all fifteen. They were like rabbits a lot of the time. They loved each other and they loved sex. When we weren't together, that was usually where you could find them. I walked in on them more times than any of us would've liked. Anyway, they started having sex when we were fifteen. When we were seventeen, Ava got pregnant. She was terrified Ava was college bound. She wanted to go to NYU. Billy wanted to marry her, but not for a long time. She didn't want to be rushed into marriage because she was pregnant. He didn't want to be a dad. They weren't ready. Billy didn't know how to handle the situation, so he asked me to talk to Ava for him. _

_She refused to tell her dad, which was her only parent. Her mom died when she was a kid. Her dad's the strictest Catholic I've ever met. If he knew she was having sex and got pregnant, he'd disown her. Plus, he'd never let her get an abortion. So, she found a 'doctor' who'd do an abortion under the table for three thousand dollars. Ava asked my advice. I said she should get the abortion. She asked for the money. I gave it to her. She asked for a ride to the clinic. I said OK. I led her to her death. I don't believe in abortion. I think its murder. But I told her I thought she should get one. She smiled with tears in her eyes and said, "You're right, Jess. I'm so lucky to have you to help me." Billy kept telling me I was a good friend. I wasn't a good friend. I told them what they wanted to hear, and it killed her. I killed her. I should've told her what I really thought. I should've told Billy to just suck it up and marry her now. I should've bought a car with my money like I meant to. I should've done anything but drive her to this 'clinic'. This dirty, disgusting place that had a rat infestation. The doctor pushed her out of the office into my arms. Her lips were so pale that they blended in with the rest of her face. She died before we got to the car. She died in my arms and she was crying. In sadness or in pain, I don't know for sure. I guess probably both. There was blood dripping down her long legs, and her eyes turned to glass right before me. I killed her. I killed her. I killed her. _

_I killed my best friend, Rory. I didn't mean to, but it's my fault. It was completely my fault. I killed my Ava Adore._

_Jess_

_Rory,_

_I'm in California now, with my dad and his family. I showed up at Venice Beach and went to his house and met his girlfriend Sasha, who's this beautiful, sweet, modern-day hippie chick. I met her daughter Lily, who locks herself in the bookcase while she reads. Sasha didn't even know that Jimmy had a son, let alone that son was me. She was shocked, but really gracious about it. She's got class, Sasha does. Kinda like your grandmother, except about fifteen times cooler. But they both have class. _

_Anyway, Sasha took me to Jimmy's hot dog stand. Let me tell you, he was pretty floored when he saw me. He asked me why I was here, and I kinda just shrugged. Then he shrugged and went, "huh." Then he asked me if the cops were after me. I said no. He made a joke about not finding the head yet. The only reason I told you about that is because I thought it'd make you laugh. I hope it did. I know that I laughed when he said it. I figured I needed to put something funny in here, after finally admitting to myself about Ava. Ever since I wrote it down, I've felt…a little better, I guess. Because I reread what I wrote. I reread it about a million times. And every time I read it, it hurt a little less. It still hurts, and it'll be my biggest regret and my biggest demon until I die, but I don't think it'll hurt this bad forever. Also, blaming myself doesn't bring her back. Nothing's going to bring her back. It'll never be OK, but I think it'll keep getting better._

_I never would've realized any of this if it wasn't for you, Rory. Wow, that's cheesy. I feel so ridiculous saying it, but there it is. I never would've figured it out if I didn't have you. I wanted to make myself better for you. That's why I did this. I wonder if you know that. I wonder if I'll ever be able to say it to your face._

_Anyway, I talked to Jimmy, that's my dad, in case you didn't know that. I don't think I ever told you his name. it's Jimmy. Well, James, actually. James Francis Mariano. Yeah, we have the same middle name. Of course, if you ever use my middle name for any reason, we're going to have even more issues than we already do. He said that he could see that this was something I needed. He said that he didn't want me to fall off the face of the Earth, which is funny because Luke said almost the exact same thing to me after he pushed me in the lake. He said he can tell that I'm searching for something, so he's going to let me stay here for a little while to try and find it. It probably won't be more than a month, but I think that'll be enough. I really think that getting to know my dad will help me know myself a little better. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe this is going to be worse because of this, but I have to try. Jimmy's willing to try. Maybe the Mariano men are done being fuck-ups. Or maybe we're just fucking up together. I guess we'll see._

_Jess_

_Rory,_

_I've been here with Jimmy, Sasha, and Lily for about a week now. I sleep on a mattress on the floor and watch this family dynamic that they've developed. It's like when I first moved to Stars Hollow, except that there's this gorgeous blue ocean to look at. The Atlantic Ocean has nothing on the Pacific. You'll have to see it someday. Jimmy loves to live here. I think I can understand why. It's really beautiful. I like to walk around the boardwalk. Lily actually followed me tonight. She's a weird kid. She's about ten, but she's as smart as people twice her age. She's really small. She actually wedges herself into this bookcase to do all her reading. It's kind of endearing, in a really bizarre kind of way. I was walking last night and she followed me then. I panicked and I sent her home. I didn't know what to do with her, or what she wanted. She did it again tonight though, and I asked why she followed me. She said that she didn't have any friends and that she didn't want to be alone anymore. Then she said that sometimes she liked to sit on benches and stare at her shoes, but she wished she had someone to sit with. Do you appreciate the irony? I hope you haven't forgotten our first meeting. I haven't._

_I told Lily that all anyone really wants is someone to sit on a bench with, and I met it. Everyone needs a friend, someone they can rely on. I turned around and we walked back to the house together. She really likes Leo Tolstoy and Ayn Rand, but she agrees that Ayn Rand is a political nut. She likes Hemingway too. Did you ever think that I'd have it in me to be friends with a 10-year-old? Neither did I, but here we are. I've never had a sibling. I wonder if this is what it's like._

_Jess_

_Rory,_

_Jimmy didn't plan on walking out on me and my mom. He told me that tonight. I don't know how it came up. We've had sort of an unspoken agreement to not talk about it. Then, all of a sudden, we were talking about it. He didn't think he was going to leave. He thought that he and Liz, that's my mom, were perfect for each other. They were both screw-ups with no aspirations who cared about nothing by themselves. It was a perfect arrangement for them both because it didn't matter. There was absolutely no way that they could ever disappoint each other because they didn't expect anything from each other. They lived together for two years and they were married for about six months. I was born at the end of those six months. My mom had never wanted to have kids, but she got this idea in her head that she could be an amazing mom. That idea lasted until I was actually born, then flew out the window. Jimmy liked his arrangement with Liz because she didn't rely on him, and he didn't disappoint her. Then I came along. As a baby, he knew nothing would matter to me, but he also knew that as I grew up, I'd eventually expect things from him. He wasn't ready for that. So he ran. It doesn't excuse him, but it makes sense. It's hard knowing that you're a disappointment. It's hard seeing someone who loves you be disappointed in you. I can understand wanting to avoid that._

_I've learned that running isn't an answer though. That's what this trip has taught me, among other things. I've spent my entire life running away from the fear of disappointing people. If you do that though, all you'll ever be doing is disappointing people. All I've ever done is disappoint people. I don't want that to be me anymore._

_Jess_

_Rory,_

_I've finally figured it out! Ever since I first saw the Atlantic Ocean, I've been wondering why I'm so drawn to it. Remember my first letter in this thing? The one where I described the ocean as quietly beautiful? _

_It's you. You're the ocean. The ocean is you. You're the ocean, and I'm New York City. You're quietly beautiful with charm I'll never understand, but can't turn away from. I'm so full of emotions that I seem still and we've both got so much brewing underneath. You're my ocean, Rory. You're everything._

_Jess_

_Rory,_

_I'm comfortable here in California. It's easy to be here. I've fallen into a great pattern with Jimmy, Sasha, and Lily. We're kind of happy together. We're kind of like a family. It's kind of nice. I'm almost happy here. I've really come into my own. Talking about stuff isn't as hard as it used to be. I even told my dad about everything that happened with Ava Adore. He offered no words of wisdom, no sympathy, and no solutions. He just listened to me. He asked about you, but I wouldn't talk about that. You're too close to my heart for me to share. I want to keep you to myself. I want to keep you sewn to my heart, bound to these pages, captured in a photograph. _

_I'm sick of writing these letters and pretending that you're going to read them. This has been my brilliant plan to keep myself close to you, besides that embarrassing incident where I called you from New York and hung up when you answered. I panicked. I didn't know what to say. I just wanted to hear your voice. I still just want to hear your voice. That's a lie. I don't just want to here your voice. I want to hold your hand. I want to kiss you a million times over. I want to tangle my hands in your hair. I want to watch movies with you. I want to lie down and listen to your heartbeat. Sometimes, our hearts beat together, like they were the same heart. I don't know if you ever noticed that, but I did. I noticed. I was never happier than those moments where our hearts beat together. Your skin was always warm, and it warmed the chill that always seemed to be enveloping me. I was better when we were together. I know it might not seem like that, but I was._

_I want you to lay your head on my chest while you read. I want to feel the bass of the music make your lips pulsate as we kiss. I want to kiss you. Oh God, I want to kiss you. I want to fight about Hemingway with you. I want to have a picnic with you on the bridge. I want you to sing off-key to PJ Harvey. I want to taste your cherry lip gloss. I want you to defend Stars Hollow while I mercilessly make fun of it. I want to keep pretending I hate it there even though I don't. I want you to force me to help Luke. I want to talk about the book you just read. I want to pull out your hairclip and watch your hair tumble down your shoulders. I want you to look at me with those heavy eyes that you have before you get coffee in your system. I want to prove to you that Coldplay is an alternative band. I want to be with you. I want to be with you. I want to be with you. I want to fight with you. I want to make up. I want to hold you. I want to hear you breathe. I want you. I want to be with you. _

_Jess_

_Rory,_

_I'm coming back. Sasha and Jimmy kicked me out. I'm welcome back, but right now they think there's someplace else I need to be-with you. I think they're right. I've grown up. I've realized that I've been running away my whole life. Now it's time that I run towards something. That something is you. I'm coming back to you._

_You're going to be mad. You're going to be hurt. I know this. But I hope that you still love me enough to talk to me. I don't know what I'll do if I've ruined the only thing that matters. I don't know what I'll do if I've messed this up permanently. I hope you haven't moved on. I know that it's selfish, but I don't want to be without you. I'm only sorry that this is what it took for me to realize that. My journey is over, and it taught me something really important. It taught me something that I think I've actually always known._

_I love you, Rory._

_Jess_

_

* * *

_

**A/N: **I didn't do a disclaimer or AN at the beginning of the chapter because i felt that it took away from it. I wanted this chapter to be straight up, all Jess, all angst and feelings. I hope that I succeeded. This was really hard to write. I hope you all enjoyed it. You know how I feel about reviews. Make me happy.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer:** Yup, still don't anything. If someone knows how I can change that, share the info )

**A/N**: This chapter was very difficult to write, partly because I'm debating which way I want to take things. I guess we'll just have to see what happens. Thanks so much for all the reviews on Jess's journal! They were very, very, very appreciated and I heart you all! I hope that the pattern continues and this chapter also gets lots of reviews! (hint,hint)

**Chapter 9**

"Rory, honey, are you ever coming out of there?" Lorelai asked, knocking on her daughter's door softly. There was no answer, only the same soft sound that had been floating from Rory's room for the past day and a half. It was the sound of her daughter crying.

"Rory." Lorelai said hesitantly. "Babe, I hate to be pushy but it _is_ Monday. You missed your classes today. You know that, right?"

There was no indication that Rory had heard her. The soft weeping sound continued without a break.

"Rory," Lorelai tried again. "You also haven't eaten. _And_ you haven't had any coffee. And how are you going to the bathroom? There's no bad smell coming from there so I assume you've been going to the bathroom, but I would've seen you and I haven't seen you. So what exactly are you doing in there? Are you peeing in a bucket or-"

The door opened slowly and Rory stood there, staring at her mother. She was in her oldest pajamas, and her hair was unwashed and unbrushed. Her eyes were red and nearly swollen shut. "You're babbling." She said hoarsely, returning to her bed and collapsing onto it.

"Yes," Lorelai agreed, following her daughter into her room. "But you finally opened the door for me."

Rory didn't respond. She pulled her knees to her chest and stared straight ahead of her, eyes tearing up again.

"What happened, Rory?" Lorelai asked, sitting down on the bed. She gently reached out a hand and stroked her daughter's head. "You were upset after you talked to Jess, but something had to have happened to make you go so absolutely…emo."

Rory sniffled. "Emo?"

"It's this music movement that's kind of a subgenre of punk. A lot of whining boys with bad relationships." Lorelai responded.

"I know what emo is." Rory said miserably. I just can't believe you used it in a sentence."

Lorelai shrugged. "One of the maids was talking to me about it today so it was on my mind." She replied simply.

"Jess gave me something." Rory responded miserably, choosing to ignore all references to emo for the time being.

"The clap?" Lorelai asked brightly.

Rory looked up at her mother with dead eyes. "You completely suck." She murmured.

"Sorry." Lorelai said sincerely. "I was trying to make you smile. You don't _really_ have the clap do you?"

"I'm a virgin, mom." Rory responded weakly. After reading about what had happened to poor Ava, she wasn't sure if she ever wanted to have sex.

"Proof that you aren't my daughter." Lorelai said jokingly. Then she sobered and said, "Tell me what happened, sweets."

Rory sighed. "Jess left me his notebook so I could read what he wrote in it." The tears spilled over again.

Lorelai's face twisted in confusion. "Jess keeps a diary?"

"It was more like letters he wrote so he could get his thoughts out." Rory responded, wiping at tears. "Letters he wrote pretending he was writing to me. He didn't really intend for me to read them though. Or maybe he did realize he was going to give them to me. I don't know."

"Now who's babbling?" Lorelai asked. They sat in silence for a moment and then she asked, "So what was in Jess's diary that hurt so bad?" She had a feeling that she knew. She had a feeling that Rory had discovered that Jess was too screwed up to make things work and that he'd never be in love with her. It didn't surprise Lorelai at all. She'd always known that Jess was too screwed up to be in a loving relationship like the one Rory had wanted to build with him.

There was silence again, save for the sound of Rory's whimpering. Lorelai gently rubbed her daughter's back as she patiently waited for her to be ready to talk. Rory shifted positions so her head was lying in her mother's lap. Lorelai immediately began to stroke her daughter's greasy hair. Rory mumbled something unintelligible.

"What was that?" Lorelai asked, confused.

"He loves me!" Rory blurted out, tears running down her face as she finally looked up at her mother.

Lorelai sighed deeply at Rory's revelation. "Why couldn't he just have given you the clap?"

* * *

Jess's head whipped in the direction of the diner door as he heard it open.

"It's not her." Kirk said, not looking up from his menu. "It hasn't been her all day."

"What are babbling about, Kirk?" Jess snapped, turning his head back to him.

"I was here for breakfast and you looked up every time the door opened hoping it was her. It never was. You did it when I was in here for my midmorning donut too. It still wasn't her. You're doing it again. It's still not her." Kirk said matter-of-factly. "I'll have a patty melt."

Jess wrote Kirk's order down on his pad silently.

Kirk looked up at the young man who was taking his order. "Throw in some free extra cheese on that patty melt and I'll give you the town gossip that I heard from Babette."

Jess stared blankly at Kirk for a moment. "You're serious?"

"I never joke about extra cheese." Kirk said seriously.

Jess rolled his eyes. "Fine. You've got the cheese. This better be good."

Kirk leaned in and said quietly, "Apparently, Rory was supposed to go back to school yesterday afternoon. She's still here though. She hasn't left her house since Saturday evening, and every time Lorelai leaves the house she looks really worried."

Jess nodded. "Yeah, that's worth double cheese." He said as he walked away.

Kirk smiled, pleased with both his contribution and with the promise of extra cheese.

Jess walked over behind the counter and shouted the order to Cesar. He stood there for a moment, not sure what to make of Kirk's gossip. It was very possible that it was true, and if it was then he didn't know what to think. Maybe Rory was so upset with all that she learned that she couldn't handle facing him. He had known that there was a risk in showing her his letters. He knew that it was possible that doing this was going to scare her off. Maybe he'd made a mistake. Maybe he shouldn't have given her the notebook. Maybe he shouldn't have even come back.

"Jess, don't tell me you're daydreaming." Lorelai said, sliding on to a seat at the counter. "Because I will be forced to taunt you mercilessly if you are."

Jess snapped out of his reverie. "Coffee?" He asked.

Lorelai nodded. "Two, please. To go."

Jess nodded and poured coffee into two to-go cups. He placed them in front of Lorelai and she reached for them, but as she did Jess pulled them away.

"How is she?" Jess demanded.

Lorelai narrowed her eyes. "Are you seriously trying to withhold coffee from me?"

Jess smirked and shrugged. "I've found that controlling the food can be a very valuable asset."

Lorelai sighed, staring longingly at the coffee. "Well, she's finally opened the door to her room. She's still crying, but now and then, she stops. And she's asked for coffee. Definitely a good sign."

"Good." Jess nodded. He slid the cups across the counter to Lorelai. "Good."

Lorelai sighed again. "Can I tell you something at the risk of us having a moment?"

Jess gulped. "I guess."

"Ok." Lorelai said. "I don't know what exactly you wrote in your diary that did this to her, but she is absolutely terrified."

"God, it is _not_ a diary!" Jess growled. Then, after absorbing Lorelai's words he asked, "What should I do?"

Lorelai shrugged. "Can't tell ya that, kid. You have to do what you feel is best, not just for you, but for Rory as well. If you really love her, you need to do what's best for her."

Jess nodded slowly, lowering his eyes to the floor. "Yeah. Thanks."

Lorelai made a noise of disgust. "God, I _knew_ we were going to end up having a moment. I have to go shower now. I feel dirty." She snatched the cups away from Jess and said, "Don't even _think_ that I'm going to pay for these." She said as she dashed out of the diner before he could argue.

Jess smiled gently, allowing himself to think of Ava fondly for the first time in a long while. Lorelai's behavior reminded him so much of Ava, and that was finally beginning to hurt a little less.

"Order up!" Cesar called, causing Jess to turn around. He picked up Kirk's patty melt, complete with extra cheese, and went to give it to him.

* * *

Lorelai returned to the house with coffee in hand. "Rory! I'm back." She tossed her purse on the kitchen table. She walked over to her daughter's room, baffled by the open door. She took a step into the room and looked around, noticing that it was completely empty.

"Rory, where are ya, babe?" Lorelai called, stepping out of the room.

Rory emerged from the bathroom. She had changed into a fresh pair of pajamas, these ones were even purchased within the last two years, and hair was wet from the shower.

"Well, that's a little better." Lorelai said, handing her daughter the coffee.

Rory accepted the cup. "Thanks." She murmured, sipping her coffee.

"Feeling any better?" Lorelai asked sympathetically.

"I feel cleaner." Rory said, shrugging. "Does that equal better?"

"Well, it's a step up from unwashed hermit." Lorelai responded. "Now you're a washed hermit."

Rory smiled weakly. "I don't know what to do, mom. I'm so scared."

Lorelai smiled sadly and reached out to touch Rory's shoulder. "I know that. What exactly are you scared of?"

Rory sighed and sat down. She put her head in her hands and said, "I don't even know! Just, reading everything he wrote, I'm scared that he's never going to be able to get over all these things. I'm scared that he didn't mean it when he wrote that he loved me, and I'm scared that nothing's changed."

"OK, so when you said you didn't know, you were lying." Lorelai said, sitting down.

Rory looked up at her mom with pathetic blue eyes. "I don't want this to hurt anymore."

"I know, Rory. I know." Lorelai said. "Maybe…maybe you should talk to him." It pained Lorelai to say this, because what she really wanted was for Rory to forget all about Jess. Both mother and daughter knew that this was impossible though.

Rory shook her head. "Not yet. Not now. I don't want him to see me cry again. That's not exactly my idea of a fun time. Besides, I've gotta go back to school. Fortunately, I only had two classes today, but now I'm going to have to catch up in both of them, and I have so much work to do. I have to go back now."

Lorelai nodded. "OK. That's fine. But Rory, you can't avoid this forever."

"I know that, and I won't avoid it forever. I just can't do it yet." Rory stood and went to her room. She emerged with her backpack on her back and her laundry basket full of neatly folded clothes in her arms. She walked over to where her mom was sitting and kissed her dutifully on the cheek. "Bye mom."

"Umm, Rory?" Lorelai asked.

"Yeah?" Rory responded, turning to face her mother again.

"Are you really going back to Yale in your pajamas?" She asked with a small smile.

Rory looked down at her outfit and shrugged. "It doesn't matter." She said sadly, walking out of the house.

Lorelai sat still, listening to her daughter's car door open and close. A moment later, Rory came rushing back into the house. "OK, I lied, it matters." She said as she rushed past her mother into her room, slamming the door behind her.

* * *

"Hey." Luke said, coming down to the diner from upstairs.

"Hey." Jess said, wiping down a table.

"Didn't realize you were closing up tonight." Luke commented, grabbing a rag and a bottle of sanitizer.

Jess shrugged. "Wasn't planning on it, but I figured I'd help you out."

"I appreciate it." Luke said, spraying the counter and wiping it down. "So, I was just on the phone with Lorelai."

"Huh." Jess said, pretending not to care.

"She wanted to tell me that Rory went back to school today, and that I should share that information with anyone who'd find it interesting." Luke said, not looking up at Jess.

"Well," Jess said stoically, "I'll be sure to pass it on to anyone I think will care."

"Yeah," Luke said with a smirk. "I figured I could count on you to keep the gossip wheels turning."

"You know me. Always up for some good gossip." Jess responded sarcastically, moving on to another table.

"Even willing to give Kirk extra cheese for some." Luke said, trying to keep a straight face.

Jess finally looked up at Luke, who was obviously trying not to laugh. "You can't prove that." He said, trying not to smile himself.

"Word travels in this town, kid. Next thing you know you'll be giving Patty free sausage so you can find out what Taylor said about Andrew."

"Shut up." Jess said good-naturedly.

"Hey, I know that I've given away free eggs so to find out what Jackson and Sookie are going to name their kid."

Jess looked at Luke, confused. "Sookie's pregnant?"

Luke put up his hands and said, "I've said too much, but if you hook me up with some free doughnuts…"

Jess growled and threw his rag at Luke. "You suck." He said, frustrated.

Luke frowned and said, "That hurts. Going to write about me tonight in your diary?"

"It is _not_ a diary!" Jess exclaimed.

Luke smiled widely. "It's too easy to mess with you." He reached in his back pocket and tossed an object to Jess. Jess caught it in his hand and looked down, realizing it was the keys to his car.

"They were in the apartment. Your car's in the garage. I had it inspected. I have no idea how it passed, but it did. You're good until July of next year. You have tomorrow off, by the way." Luke said.

Jess looked at his uncle in amazement. "What makes you think I want tomorrow off?"

Luke shrugged. "Just figured if you needed to run any errands or do any light traveling that tomorrow would be a good day to do it."

Jess shook his head. "You're a meddler." He said it factually, without any hostility.

"Yes, yes I am." Luke agreed. "And you're a complete idiot. See you on Wednesday." He again busied himself by cleaning up.

Jess sighed and grabbed his coat from the hook by the door. "Thanks, Luke."

Luke turned with a smile and said, "You can thank me with a little extra bacon."

Jess didn't bother to verbalize a response. He just rolled his eyes and turned away. There was no way he was going to reveal to his uncle how much their newfound bantering pleased him. They finally had something resembling a good relationship, and Jess was glad to finally have family that he cared about, both in the form of Luke and in Jimmy, Sasha, and Lily.

_Lily_. Jess looked at his watch. It was only about 8 o'clock there and he'd promised to call her over the weekend and he hadn't. He stopped at a payphone and inserted numerous quarters into the slot, grateful that all Miss Patty had to tip him with today was change.

"Hello?" Jimmy answered.

"Hey, Jimmy. It's Jess." Jess responded.

"Hey, kid. How goes it?"

"I'm breathing." Jess responded, fiddling with the phone cord.

"Well," Jimmy said, "That in itself can often qualify as having a good day. How are things back in Stars Hollow?"

"Not the best." Jess replied honestly. "But hopefully that'll change soon."

"Let's hope that changes and not the status of your breathing." Jimmy quipped before saying, "Lily's been waiting for your call, rather impatiently I might add." In the background, Jess could here Lily doing a series of dramatic sighs as she waited to be handed the phone.

Jess laughed. "Yeah, you'd better put her on. This is long distance and I don't know how many more quarters I have."

"Will do. Take care, kid."

"Thanks Jimmy." Jess responded.

"Jess?" Lily asked excitedly.

"Hey Lily." Jess said, his mouth settling into a smile at the sound of the young girl's voice.

"Jess! You said you'd call over the weekend and you didn't." She said, annoyed.

"I'm sorry, Lily. It was a little crazy. I had a lot on my mind."

"Oh." Lily responded. "Did you talk to Rory?"

"A little." Jess said. "Hopefully I'll get to talk to her again tomorrow. She didn't really want to see me this weekend."

"Oh." Lily said, disappointed. "She's upset with you?"

Jess sighed. "To tell you the truth, kid, I'm not sure what her story is."

"Well, find out." Lily said, as if it was obvious.

Jess laughed at that. "Good idea."

"You love her, don't you?" Lily asked.

"I do. You know that. You did read my letters." Jess said.

Lily giggled. "Just checking. Boys change their minds sometimes. Does she love you?"

"She did." Jess responded. "At least I think she did. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe she was faking."

"Nope. Not possible. True love cannot be found where it truly doesn't exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does." Lily said.

Jess laughed aloud at the cheesy sentiment. "Wow, Lily. How long have you been waiting to say that to me?"

"About three weeks since I read it on the internet. I've been waiting for the appropriate moment. How'd I do?"

"Not too bad." Jess said approvingly. "I'm sure you could've found a better moment, but I'd give you an 8.7 on the appropriate scale. And, if nothing else, you made me laugh."

"Well then, I've officially done my good deed for the evening and can now hang up the phone." Lily said.

Jess smiled. "OK. Good night, Lily."

"Good night, Jess. Oh, and Jess?" "Yeah, Lily?"

"I hope things work out." Lily said.

"Thanks, Lily." Jess said honestly. "I appreciate it."

Both Jess and his 10-year-old friend-slash-almost-sister hung up the phone at the same time.

* * *

A tap came on Rory's dorm room door, and she looked up from her book. She was desperately trying to catch herself up in her Government class. Her European History class had actually been cancelled on Monday, so she didn't have to worry about what she missed, only about the reading she hadn't done over the weekend. Her Government class was a bit trickier, and she was trying her best to comprehend what she missed by reading her textbook. However, her Government class relied heavily on notes so she was still having trouble. Of course, all the other issues crowding her mind weren't helping the situation at all.

"Come in!" Rory called, looking back at her books. She quickly took Jess's notebook and placed it strategically under all her other books where it wouldn't be seen.

Nate opened the door and peeked in with a smile. "Hey there."

"Hey." Rory said, trying to mask her uneasiness with a smile that matched his. "Come on in."

Nate stepped the rest of the way in the room, closing the door only half way and Rory noticed he was carrying a notebook. He came over to the couch and sat down next to Rory. He handed her the notebook. "You weren't in Government yesterday, so I brought you my notes."

"You're a mind reader." Rory said, her smile turning grateful. "I was just stressing over missing class yesterday."

"I figured you would be." Nate said, scooting a little closer to her. "I know how serious you are about your work. Were you sick yesterday?" He asked, concerned.

"I was home." Rory responded. "I just got caught up with all this stuff that was happening there and I couldn't leave." She let out a frustrated sigh at the thought of everything that happened.

Nate smiled sympathetically and brought a hand to Rory's back. He rubbed gently between her shoulder blades, eliciting a pleased groan from Rory.

"That feels nice." She murmured, pleased to feel anything resembling good after the weekend she'd had.

"Yeah?" Nate asked softly as he began to massage her shoulders with both hands.

Rory turned her head and she was face-to-face with him. "Yeah," She whispered huskily, excited from having him so close to her.

Nate grinned at her and leaned in to kiss her. Rory allowed him to for only a moment before she pulled away, shaking her head. "No. I can't." She said.

"Why not?" Nate asked, trying desperately to mask his disappointment and annoyance. "I like you, Rory, and I thought we had fun the other night."

"I did." Rory said, pulling away from him slowly. "I did. That was quite possibly the best date I've ever been on."

"Then what's the problem? What's to stop us from doing it again, more importantly, what's to stop me from kissing you right now?" Nate asked, taking her shoulders and turning her to face him.

The problem was what it had been during their date. Nate wasn't Jess. He'd never be Jess. Right now though, Rory was seeing that as less of a problem and more of a blessing. Nate was completely drama-free. He wasn't moody or embittered, and he certainly didn't brood. He was sweet. He didn't toy with her like Jess had and he was laying his emotions right on the line for her. He was the anti-Jess. He was even more anti-Jess than Dean had been. Right now, that didn't seem like such an unfortunate thing.

"Nothing." Rory whispered. "Absolutely nothing." She leaned in and kissed Nate lightly on the lips, shifting her position to deepen it. As they both got more into the kiss, she could feel Nate shifting their positions again so he was on top of her, pinning her to the couch. Rory moved her hands to Nate's upper back, but she wouldn't allow herself to touch his hair. She feared that touching his hair would shatter the illusion that this was normal and perfectly OK.

In the distance, Rory thought she heard a noise like a soft tapping, but ignored it as her imagination. She managed to so, and almost managed to do it with the soft but rough sound she heard next. She managed to ignore it for a few seconds before her mind cleared a little and she recognized the sound, or the voice as the case was. She recognized the voice that had just let a low "Huh" escape from his lips.

Rory's eyes snapped open and shifted to the door, which was now entirely open. Jess stood there, looking extremely angry. The only thing that gave away any other emotion was the slight, barely noticeable trembling of his lower lip.

Rory uneasily placed her hands against Nate's chest and pushed him away. He turned and looked at the door, confused.

"Huh." Jess repeated, his voice low with anger.

"Jess, what are you doing here?" Rory demanded, scrambling to sit up straight and wiping her mouth with her hand.

"Catching the show." Jess snapped. "Don't stop on my account."

Nate looked awkwardly from Jess, who had violent sparks flying in his eyes, to Rory, who looked scared and sad at the same time.

"Should I leave?" He asked, not wanting to be in the middle of the war zone that seemed ready to erupt.

Rory didn't answer but Jess quickly commanded, "Yes."

Rory turned to Jess with a cold, defiant look in her eyes. "No, Nate. Stay. Jess, can we talk in my bedroom please?" It was a command, not a question. She stood and motioned to her room before turning to Nate with a small smile. "This won't take long."

Jess rolled his eyes and followed Rory into her bedroom, where she closed the door.

"What are you doing here?" Rory demanded again, trying to calm the racing of her heart.

Jess looked at Rory, amazed. "I don't think you get to ask questions right now, Rory. What the Hell was going on out there? Who the Hell is that? What the fuck were you doing kissing him?" His voice got louder with each angry question he asked.

"His name is Nate." Rory said defiantly, crossing her arms over her chest. "We went on a date about a week ago and had a really good time. He's a nice guy."

Jess let out a short, humorless laugh at that. "Nice guys don't make out with other guys' girlfriends."

"You aren't my boyfriend!" Rory snapped harshly. "You left me! You walked away and you left me feeling like an idiot. A heartbroken idiot!" Rory thought about what she'd just said. She hadn't even realized how badly that still upset her until this moment.

"You know why I did that!" Jess shouted. "There's no way I could've been the guy you needed me to be without leaving."

"No, Jess." Rory said, the calm in her voice more powerful and more terrifying than anger. "You can _never_ be the guy I need you to be. Ever. You're too messed up and too "tortured" by your past. I am sorry for all that happened to you, but I'm sick of your past haunting you. Especially because you can't even let me in. I had to _read_ about everything you're feeling. Your goddamn diary knows you better than I ever could."

Jess was hurt, but right now the anger that was bubbling up masked that hurt. "I can't believe you're doing this! I'm finally ready to be in this with you and you're throwing away everything we have, everything we are?"

"And what exactly are we?" Rory demanded. "We're nothing. We never got the chance to be anything. You never gave us that chance."

"So that's it?" Jess asked. "We're done?"

"We've been done." Rory replied quickly. "I've known since you left that I never wanted anything to do with you again."

The hurt was creeping to the surface now, and Jess knew that he couldn't stay here any longer and listen to her demean all that their relationship was to him.

"Fine. Have it your way." Jess said, his eyes still smoldering.

He turned to leave and his gaze fell on her desk. What he saw there unraveled everything she just said to him. He picked up his copy of A Farewell to Arms and turned back.

"If you've known all along, what are you doing with my book, Rory?" Jess demanded, thrilled that he'd caught her in this lie. He could worry about why she was lying later. Right now, all that mattered was that she _was_ lying and that she really did still love him.

Rory rolled her eyes. "Please." She said, louder than she'd intended. "I had to read that book for my American Lit class and I refused to buy a copy. I was in Luke's one day and I took it. You can have it back."

Jess refused to let his disappointment show. He just turned around and walked out of the room. He saw Nate, still sitting awkwardly on the couch. "She's all yours, buddy." He said as he stormed out of the dorm room.

Rory took a few shaky breaths to steady herself before emerging to the common room. She sat down next to Nate and said, "Sorry about that. He's gone now."

Nate smiled sadly at her. "Yeah, I'm gonna go too. Sorry, Rory, but I can't be with a girl who's in love with someone else."

"What are you talking about?" Rory asked. How was it possible that Nate knew how she actually felt?

Nate stood and said, "You aren't taking American Lit this semester. You told me that on our date." He handed her Jess's notebook, which he'd flipped through as he listened to them argue. "That's a cute picture of you two that's taped to the back." He said. As he walked to the door, Rory barely heard him mumble, "Man, it sucks being a nice guy."

Rory looked down at Jess's notebook, hands shaking. She could feel the hot tears as they trailed down her cheeks. She'd ruined everything and ended up exactly where she was afraid she was going to. She ended up alone, crying her eyes out. She could blame Jess all she wanted, but she knew that this time it was nobody's fault but her own.

* * *


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: **If I owned anything, I'd be swimming in a pool of money like Scrooge McDuck does.

**A/N:** Thanks so much to all of you read and like this story so much. Your reviews make my day. I hope you'll all continue to read and review. Enjoy this chapter. (P.S. I hope the last scene makes you smile as much as it made me smile while I was writing it)

**Chapter 10**

Jess walked into the diner just as the last customer walked out. He turned the sign to '_Closed'_ and locked the door. He then sat down on a chair silently and stared miserably at the wall behind the counter. He was amazed the Luke still had those postcards hanging up.

Luke came out of the kitchen. "Jess, what are you doing here?"

"Sitting." Jess said simply, still looking at the postcards.

"I can see that." Luke said, pulling out the chair next to Jess and sitting down. "Something wrong?"

Jess shrugged. "Rory and me, we're done. It's over."

"Oh." Luke said, shocked. "You're sure?"

Jess nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure." He rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. "She doesn't want anything to do with me anymore."

"Wow." Luke mumbled, still shocked. He'd really believed that things were going to work out between the two this time. "Sorry."

"Me too." Jess said, shaking his head. "I really thought that leaving was the best thing. I guess I was wrong."

"Don't say that." Luke insisted. "Look at yourself. You're doing so much better than you were. You and I have had several real conversations, you're slightly more pleasant, and you're definitely more mature. If you hadn't left, you would've completely fallen apart."

"Great." Jess said sarcastically. "So instead everything I had with Rory fell apart. Fucking sucky trade if you ask me."

"Yeah." Luke agreed. "Doesn't seem fair."

"Well, life isn't fair, as has been proven many times over for both of us." Jess said.

"Yeah." Luke responded simply.

"I never wanted to hurt her." Jess said, lowering his head.

Luke sighed and put a tentative hand on Jess's back in an attempt to comfort him. "Yeah. I know, kid. I know."

The two sat in a comfortable silence for along time, Jess watching his hands while Luke watched the wall.

"What are you going to do now?" Luke asked after an indeterminable amount of time.

Jess turned to look at him, as though he'd forgotten that he was there. "What do you mean?"

"Rory's the only thing that was keeping you here. Are you going to leave or what?" Luke asked, trying to make the question as casual as he possibly could.

Jess almost smirked at his uncle's attempt to be subtle, but he couldn't bring himself to do anything resemble smiling.

"Rory's not the only thing keeping me here." Jess replied.

"Oh?"

"Yeah." Jess said. "The fact that I have no place else to go is keeping me here too."

Luke let out a short laugh, knowing that his nephew was playing with him now.

"Besides," Jess continued with a shrug, "This is home. And I'm done running."

Jess and Luke shared a brief but meaningful look before they both let smiles crack their serious countenances.

"Good." Luke said with a nod. "I'd hate to have to hire someone else to work for me."

"Yeah." Jess said. "That'd suck."

"Yeah." Luke agreed. "It would."

* * *

A loud, persistent ringing slowly dragged Lorelai out of a deep sleep. She turned over groggily and hit her alarm clock forcefully. The ringing didn't stop, causing Lorelai to pick up her clock and throw it against the floor. She heard it smash, but the ringing still didn't stop. She sat up in bed, and her cloudy mind soon registered that it was the phone that was ringing.

Lorelai reached for the cordless phone and answered it. "You owe me a new alarm clock." She grumbled sleepily.

"Lorelai? It's Paris." Paris said.

"Paris?" Lorelai asked, coming out of her haze.

"Paris Gellar." Paris said, sounding miffed that she had to identify herself twice.

"I know who you are, Paris. What's wrong?" Lorelai assumed from Paris's annoyed tone that nothing was actually wrong.

"I'll tell you what's wrong." Paris said, annoyed. "It's 5:30 in the morning."

"That certainly is a tragedy. Why don't we solve it by the both of us going back to sleep?" Lorelai asked.

"Well, that'd be nice." Paris snapped. "But the problem here is that Rory, your daughter, has now woken up five times in the course of the past eight hours. Each time she's woken up, she immediately burst into tears. You'd think she'd be too dehydrated to cry anymore, but she's like a cactus. She apparently has tear ducts hidden in places I don't dare imagine."

Lorelai was now almost completely awake. "Why is she crying, Paris? Is it because of Jess?"

"I don't know." Paris said, "And quite frankly I don't care either. I have a test at 8 o'clock and thanks to Rory's hysterics, I've gotten far less than the seven and a half hours of sleep I require before an exam. Oh, she's at it again. You're almost 19-years-old! Suck it up!" Paris screamed, frustrated.

"Paris, I'm sorry about your sleep depravation. Almost as sorry as I am about mine. Please put my daughter on the phone." Lorelai said with a sigh.

Lorelai heard the sound of the phone changing hands before Rory's sad voice said, "Hello?"

"You were never this emotional before." Lorelai said immediately.

"I've never felt this horrible before." Rory responded, sniffing. "Jess came to see me yesterday."

"Oh." Lorelai said. "And what happened?"

"Well, he walked in while I was kissing Nate."

Lorelai's eyes widened. "You were kissing Nate?"

"Yeah." Rory said, "And Jess walked in and he got really mad and then he called me his girlfriend and _I_ got really mad because I haven't been his girlfriend…ever, in a sense. And I started yelling and I told him we're done and that we've been done since he left."

"So you lied to him. Sweetie, you were waiting for him to come back." Lorelai said. "Why would you pretend that you don't want him in your life anymore? You know that you do."

"Don't be logical right now, mom." Rory said miserably. "I just don't want him to break my heart anymore. It hurts, mom. That's why I kissed Nate to try to forget. But he left because he said he couldn't be with a girl who loved someone else. I don't want it to hurt anymore, mom."

Lorelai sighed. "I know that, kiddo, but you're going about this all wrong. All you're doing is hurting yourself before he gets a chance to and, honestly, is that any less painful?"

"I don't know." Rory said. "I'm just-."

"Scared, I know." Lorelai said, finishing Rory's sentence. "That's all I hear from you anymore. "

"Well I'm so sorry that my problems are getting to redundant for you." Rory snapped.

"Rory that isn't what I'm saying." Lorelai said with a sigh. "What I'm saying is that you're letting fear take over every other emotion in your body, except sadness. There are so many better feelings out there. There's love and happiness and excitement. Did you or did you not feel all those things when you were dating Jess?"

"I did." Rory said quietly.

"I know you did. And they made the fear less important, didn't they?" Lorelai asked, knowing the answer to this question as well.

"Yeah." Rory said. "They did."

"Do you see my point now, kid?" Lorelai asked.

"Yeah, mom. I do. But I think I screwed it up too badly."

"Well, there's only one way to find out." Lorelai said gently.

"Yeah." Rory whispered. "Thanks, mom."

"You're welcome, babe. Try and get some sleep."

"I will. Love you." Rory said.

"Love ya too." Lorelai responded, tossing the phone on the nightstand and burrowing her head into her pillow to go back to sleep.

* * *

Luke looked up as the diner door opened. "Lorelai." He said, surprised. "It's 6 AM. Why are you awake?"

Lorelai sighed as she slipped into a seat at the counter. "Coffee please." She mumbled.

Luke set a large coffee mug in front of her and filled it as much as he could. "What on Earth dragged you out of bed before 6 AM?"

"My daughter's love life, or lack of one as she seems to have ruined any chance she had at having one last night." Lorelai said, speaking quickly and softly.

"What?" Luke asked, not hearing her very well.

Lorelai took a long, lingering sip of her coffee and closed her eyes as she savored it. She put the cup down and looked at Luke. "Rory needed some comfort and advice, I guess. I don't really remember what I said to her."

Luke nodded. "Because of last night?"

"Yeah." Lorelai said. "You know about last night?"

Luke nodded. "Jess told me. They're really over."

"Yup, for now." Lorelai said.

"For good." Jess said, coming out from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a dishtowel. "She was pretty adamant about that, and that's fine by me this time. I'm done."

"Jess…" Luke started.

"No." Jess cut him off. "She made her point. It's fine. Morning, Lorelai."

Lorelai nodded. "Morning, Jess."

Jess walked off to take an order.

Lorelai leaned forward and motioned for Luke to do the same. Their foreheads were touching when Lorelai said, "When do I tell him that Rory's gonna try to make things better between them?"

Luke smiled. "My advice is that you don't. Leave them to their own devices. More fun that way."

Luke and Lorelai continued to smile at each other, when Lorelai finally realized how close they were to each other. She awkwardly pulled away, still smiling. Luke pulled away to and said, "I've gotta go take some orders."

"Yeah, OK." Lorelai said, confused as to what just happened. She thoughtfully finished her coffee as Jess came back behind the counter.

"Jess…" Lorelai started.

Jess looked up at Lorelai, expecting words of sage advice that he didn't really want to come out of her mouth.

Lorelai hesitated, deciding against her original instinct to tell Jess what she thought he should do. It had never been appreciated in the past and she doubted it would be now either.

"You look good. I've been meaning to tell you that since you got back. You look good."

"Oh." Jess said, shocked by the statement. "Thanks, Lorelai."

Lorelai smiled a small smile. "You're welcome."

* * *

Rory walked into the diner and looked around tentatively. She saw no sign of Jess. She almost lost all of her courage right then. She turned around and was about to leave when she heard Luke's voice behind her.

"Rory?" He asked, confused.

Rory turned back around. "Hi, Luke." She said quietly. "Is Jess working?"

Luke shook his head as he poured coffee for some people at the counter.

"Oh." Rory said. "Well, is he upstairs because I kinda want to talk to him?"

Luke shook his head again. "Jess isn't there. He doesn't live here anymore."

"I knew it." Rory said triumphantly. "He ran, didn't he? He left again? God, that is so-."

"Rory," Luke said, cutting her off. "Jess hasn't gone anywhere. He doesn't live with me anymore. He's living in the motel over on Pine." He resisted the urge to be annoyed with Rory's assumption. He'd never been annoyed with Rory and didn't want that to change now.

"Oh." Rory said, both relieved and disappointed at the same time. "Thanks, Luke." She called as she walked out of the diner and down the road towards Pine Street. Rory was nervous. For one of the first times in her life, she didn't have a plan. She had absolutely no idea what she was going to say or do when she saw Jess. She didn't know if she was going to scream, if she was going to cry, if she was going to run, or if she was going to ravage him the moment he opened the door. She wouldn't know until she saw him.

Rory turned down Pine Street, nervously toying with her crystal heart that Jess had given her. Realizing what she was doing, she hastily tucked the necklace under her shirt. She wasn't sure she wanted him to know she was wearing it.

Rory looked at the motel with a sigh. What was Jess doing living here? Hell, what was she doing here? She looked at the doors to the rooms, not knowing which door led to Jess's room. She made her way to the manager's office when she heard a door open behind her. Rory turned slowly, knowing before she could see that it was him.

Jess stood there, staring at Rory. He was wearing old sweatpants and a white T-shirt with holes in it. Slung over his shoulder was his duffel bag, apparently full from the way it was causing him to hunch over just a little.

Rory laughed humorlessly and crossed her arms over her chest. "I should've known. Of course you're running. It's what you do best."

Jess narrowed his eyes at her. "Is that right?" He asked.

"Yeah. That's right." Rory said.

"Well you know what you do best?" Jess demanded harshly.

"What?" Rory asked with a roll of her eyes.

"Jump to conclusions." Jess bit out. "I'm out of clean clothes. I was headed to the laundry room."

"Oh." Rory said, frowning. Why was she so convinced that he was going to leave? Why did she want him to be leaving so badly? She knew the answer before she even thought about the question. She wanted to be right. She wanted him to hurt her again so she'd be right in all the things she'd said and in all the things that she wanted to feel. She wanted to hate him, because it was easier than loving him.

"Can we talk?" Rory asked tentatively.

Jess looked at Rory skeptically. "What do we have to talk about?"

Rory didn't have an answer at that moment, or at least not one she wanted to share. "Please, Jess?" She pleaded, looking at him with big eyes.

Jess sighed. Until the day he died, he'd never be able to resist Rory's pleading eyes. "Fine. Come on. We'll talk while I launder."

Rory uncomfortably followed him to the motel's tiny, dirty laundry room. He threw his duffel bag onto the table and removed both a bag of quarters and a bottle of laundry detergent.

"So," Jess said as casually as possible. "What did you want to talk about?" He hoped that keeping his hands busy with his laundry would keep them from shaking.

"Jess…" Rory said.

Jess tossed some T-shirts into a washing machine before he turned around. He was smirking as he said, "If you think I'm going to make this easy then you really don't know me at all. Hurry up. Some of these clothes have stains on them and I don't want them to get a chance to set anymore. It's hard enough getting out grease."

Rory sighed and her mouth settled into a smile. "I came to apologize." She said.

Jess's hands started shaking so badly that he dropped the shirt he was holding. He picked it up and put it in the machine. "You don't owe me anything." He said coolly. "We're done. It's as much my fault as it is yours, probably more. You don't have to apologize for that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to separate my whites from my darks. I can never decide if they grays should go with the darks or the lights."

Rory sighed, feeling defeated. She considered leaving right then. In fact, she took a step towards the door. Then, she stopped. She was struck by a realization. She was running from this because it was difficult, and she didn't want to do that. She wanted to be with him. She didn't want to lose him again.

Rory turned around and walked right up to Jess, who was pouring detergent into the machine. She took his shoulders and forced him to turn around, making him drop the laundry detergent into the machine.

Jess looked back at the washing machine and then at Rory with a frown. "You made me use too much detergent. That stuff's expensive. I use the kind with bleach alternative and it costs an extra dollar."

"Will you _stop_ talking about laundry?" Rory asked, frustrated.

"Why?" Jess asked, trying to be as difficult as possible.

"Because I'm in love with you!" Rory said, shaking Jess a little as she gripped his shoulder.

Jess smirked. "Yeah? How's that working out for you?"

"Jess!" Rory exclaimed, frustrated.

"What Rory?" Jess asked, removing her hands from his shoulders and taking a few steps away from her. "What do you want me to say? You threw me out of your dorm for some guy you barely know. You told me that we were done. You made it clear that you don't want to be with me. Most importantly though, you threw everything I wrote back in my face to hurt me. And it worked. God, Rory, it almost killed me. I was trying so hard to open with you for the first time, and you used it against me."

"I didn't mean to throw your words back at you. My heart broke for you when I read about everything you've been through. I was hurt. Can't you understand how much it hurt me to watch you leave, to hear you say that you didn't love me?" Rory asked, tears welling up. "And I was scared. I was scared that nothing had changed and that you'd never be ready to be with me."

"But I told you that I was!" Jess said, frustrated.

Rory sighed and shook her head. "No," she whispered. "You didn't."

"What?" Jess asked, confused. "I told you everything!"

"No." Rory said, crossing the space so she was as far from him as possible. "You let me _read_ it all, Jess. You let me read all the things you felt and were thinking, but you never told me."

"Oh." Jess said thoughtfully. "Huh." He hadn't realized that she considered reading his letters as something less personal than if he'd sat down and told her everything. He thought it was just as good.

"There are some things I just can't say out loud." Jess said uncomfortably, trying to use it as an explanation.

"I know that, and I know that it was hard for you to even give your notebook to me. But there are some things you should be able to say to me." Rory said quietly, a tear sliding down her cheek.

"That's not who I am, Rory." Jess said with a shrug. "You know that's not who I am."

Rory was silent as she hugged her arms around herself. Jess sighed and said, "I'm trying. Why isn't that enough?"

"Because it isn't!" Rory exclaimed. "Because you don't say anything! And what you do say, you don't actually mean."

Realization dawned upon Jess at Rory's words. Of course. No wonder she was so upset. He'd never told her he loved her and actually meant it. He'd written it, but he'd never been able to say it. How could he have been so dumb?

Jess slowly crossed to Rory and took her hands. She looked up at him with teary eyes. Jess's eyes fell to Rory's chest, where the necklace he'd given her had escaped from beneath her shirt. Jess took the pendant between his fingers, pleased that she was wearing it.

"Rory?" He whispered, looking up from the pendant into Rory's blue eyes. Those eyes had followed him throughout his entire journey, even into his dreams.

"Yeah?" She asked, backing away a little, but still letting him hold her one hand.

Jess closed the distance again, pinning Rory against a washing machine. He smiled apprehensively at Rory and pressed his forehead against hers. He could smell mints and coffee on her breath as he whispered, "I love you."

Tears poured out of Rory's eyes and she caught them with the corners of her mouth as it turned up into a smile. "Really?" She asked.

Jess's smile widened. "Yeah. Really. I love you. I'm sorry it took me so long to mean it."

Jess leaned in to kiss her, but Rory pulled her head away. "You know, saying you love me doesn't fix everything."

Jess's smile molded into a smirk as he recalled the words as his own. It was exactly what he'd said to her after Kyle's party. "I'm not trying to fix everything. I'm trying to tell you that I love you."

Rory wrapped her arms around Jess's neck. "I love you too."

Jess had never smiled as widely as he did at that moment. He put his hands on Rory's waist and lifted her onto the washing machine. He sat her down on it and positioned himself between her legs. He crushed his mouth to hers and leaned as far into her as he could. She immediately parted her lips and their tongues met with a passion that had been building up since the day they met. Rory tangled her hands in Jess' unruly hair and wrapped her legs around his waist.

When they finally pulled apart, they were both breathing heavily. Between pants Jess said, "I've been waiting to do that since I left."

Rory sighed as she inhaled Jess's scent. He smelt like hair gel, soap, and aftershave. It was a scent that made her weak in the knees and pleasantly ill to her stomach. It had since the first time he'd been close enough for her to catch it. Even the dank, unsavory smell of the laundry room paled in comparison. His breathing slowly returned to a rhythmic, uninterrupted pattern that dulled all other sounds. Everything around them seemed to fade away as Rory found herself lost in the sight, sound, and scent of Jess.

"I didn't realize how much I missed you until right now." She mumbled as their lips met furiously again.

Jess pulled out of the kiss and wrapped his arms tightly around Rory. He rested his head on her shoulder and they remained there, embracing each other for a long moment. "I could stay here forever." Jess said, kissing her neck.

Rory smiled and said huskily, "Or, we could go to your room."

Jess pulled away and raised his eyebrows. "Rory…" He started hesitantly.

Rory brought a hand to his face and stroked his cheek gently. "I'm ready, Jess. I've been waiting for you for so long."

Jess smiled gently at her. "Rory, whatever's going to happen between us, whenever it's going to happen, it isn't going to happen in a motel room. You're better than that."

Rory couldn't have asked for a better answer. She pressed her lips gently to Jess's, then pulled away and said, "No. _We're_ better than that."

Jess toyed with the ends of Rory's hair. "I miss your long hair."

"I do too." Rory agreed. "I'll let it grow. You, on the other hand…"

Jess grinned. "I'll get it cut next week."

Rory looked down, and then back up at Jess with hesitant eyes. "So, we're back together?"

Jess nodded. "Yeah, we are. Aren't we?"

Rory smiled. "Yeah, we are. And you're not going to run away on me again?"

Jess shook his head. "Never again." He said without hesitation.

Rory extended her pinky. "Promise?"

Jess looked down at her hand skeptically, but reluctantly hooked his pinky finger with hers. "Promise."

Rory brought their interlocked fingers up and kissed her thumb, using her eyes to command Jess to do the same. He rolled his eyes, but did what Rory wanted. Rory released Jess's hand with a wide smile. "The pinky promise is sacred, you know."

Jess stepped back and helped Rory hop down from the washing machine. He wrapped his arms around her again and said, "Well, it's a good thing that I don't intend on going back on my word."

"Do you want me to help you with your laundry? My roommate taught me a good trick for getting out stains." Rory offered, lacing her fingers with Jess's.

"Sure." Jess said with a shrug. "Let's get my whites their whitest."

They both began sorting through his dirty clothes and Jess had to smile at the sight they made. If anyone had ever told him that he and the girl he loved would be spending a Saturday afternoon doing laundry, he would've laughed at them. Here he was though, tossing his jeans into a washing machine another while Rory separated his colored shirts from his white ones. The funniest part was that he'd never been happier.

* * *

**A/N the 2nd:** Don't worry, it ain't over yet!


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer:** _Things I own include Gilmore Girls Season 2 on DVD, a Super Nintendo, a cellphone that doesn't work, and about 20 pairs of shoes. Things I don't own include any of the characters or backstory of Gilmore girls._

**A/N: **Thanks, as always, for all the great reviews. I love them. My goal was to make this chapter as fluffy and drama-free as possible. All you authors who manage to write fluff and advance the plot deserve a cookie because I had one Hell of a time doing it! I think I did OK though, so please let me know what you think. (aka REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW) :falls over dead at the trials and tribulations of writing lit fluff:

**Chapter 11**

"We should have a song." Rory said matter-of-factly. She looked up at Jess with big eyes. She was lying on the bed in his motel room, reading a magazine while Jess put his clean laundry in drawers.

Jess rolled his eyes. "OK, then we'll hold hands and skip through a meadow."

"I'm serious." Rory said insistently. "Couples should have songs. My parents' song was Take My Breath Away."

Jess snorted back a laugh. "And that's the exact reason we shouldn't have a song. Twenty years from now, I don't want to have to tell our children that our song is something embarrassing like Hit Me Baby One More Time."

"Britney Spears?" Rory said, making a face. "Never."

"So you see my point. We're remaining songless." Jess said, sitting on the bed next to her, grateful that she hadn't thought anything of him mentioning children, or implying that they'd be together in 20 years. "Besides, it makes me kind of happy that the only song I associate with you is Guns at Brixton."

Rory sat up with a smile. "You remember that?"

Jess took her hand in his and kissed it lightly. "Of course."

Rory looked down at the heart pendant around her neck as she said, "I had that piece of paper with me on the podium when I gave my graduation speech."

Jess just smiled and held her hand a little tighter.

"I saw you there." Rory continued in a whisper.

Jess looked at her, shocked. "You saw me there?"

Rory nodded. "I peeked out before the ceremony started to try to see where my mom was sitting. I saw you in the back, just kinda standing there with your hands shoved in your pockets."

"I didn't want you upset you. I just wanted to see you graduate. I wanted to hear your speech." Jess said, suddenly feeling very awkward and uncomfortable.

"I know." Rory said. "I was really glad to see you there. It's why I kept in that one part of my speech. The part about cherishing the memory. That was for you. I was going to cut it out, but when I saw you, the words just came out."

"I had to leave right after that, because I knew if I listened to anymore of it, I'd want to stay, and I couldn't."

Rory touched Jess's face delicately. "I was so happy you came."

Jess smirked. "I never would've missed it. I know if I'd graduated, you'd have been front row."

Rory became silent at Jess's words. "Jess, what are you going to do? Are you really gonna just work at the diner and live in a motel for the rest of your life?"

Jess sighed. "Rory, we've been back together for about two hours. Are you seriously going to start this fight with me this soon?"

"I'm not trying to fight. I'm just asking. You can't keep drifting. You have to start dealing with life. Do you have a plan?" Rory asked.

Jess shook his head. "You know I don't. Why would you even ask?"

Rory sighed. "I hate watching you do this to yourself. Jess, if you could do anything with the rest of your life, what would you do? I don't care how ridiculous it sounds. Just tell me."

Jess shrugged. "I dunno. I don't mind doing the menial labor thing. I liked working with the forklift at Wal-Mart. I don't mind doing stuff at the diner. The way I figure it, as long at the end of the day, I have you and my books then I'm happy. I don't care what else I do."

Rory smiled at the sincerity in his voice, but knew that he was holding back. "Jess…you seriously have nothing you'd like to do?"

Jess sighed. "I used to think it'd be kinda cool to own a club. You know, a place where I could book bands that don't suck and play whatever kind of music I wanted."

Rory smiled at him. "You have a dream."

"Shut up." Jess grumbled.

Rory cuddled close to him and said, "You have aspirations."

Jess lay back on the bed and held Rory in his arms. "Do not." He said, kissing the top of her head.

"You do too." Rory said triumphantly, toying with his hands. "You have something you want to do with your life. You have a goal."

Jess shook his head. "It's just an idea Ava and I used to like to toy with. High school dropouts don't open clubs."

Rory shrugged and said, "They can if they go back to school and finish."

Jess didn't say anything, but Rory could feel him stiffen beneath her. "I was doing some research online, and did you know that a person can finish night school in less than six months?"

"Yeah? Kinda useless information for a girl who graduated with honors from the best private school in Connecticut." Jess commented dryly.

"Well, I just thought it'd be something interesting to know." Rory said, snuggling against Jess's chest.

Jess didn't say anything, and Rory didn't say anything else either. They just lay in the bed, holding each other until they both drifted off to sleep.

* * *

"Hey." Rory said, walking into the diner.

"Hey." Jess said, giving her a quick kiss. "Heading back to school?"

"In a little bit. Mom and I are getting something to eat first." Rory said, nodding to where her mother stood outside, talking to Kirk.

Jess nodded. "Take a seat. I'll bring some coffee over."

Rory smiled and leaned into him for another kiss. "Smart boy." She murmured against his mouth.

Jess pulled away smiling. "Go sit down or I'll never get any work done."

Rory went and sat down at a table while Jess walked behind the counter to grab the coffee pot. Luke was standing there; arms crossed his chest with an amused smile.

"What?" Jess asked, annoyed.

"Oh, nothing." Luke said. After a brief pause he continued, "So when you said that you and Rory were done for good, you meant that it was nothing three days apart couldn't fix?"

"Shut up." Jess said, but not without a smile.

Luke grinned at his nephew. "You're together again."

"I said shut up." Jess said, embarrassed.

"And you're embarrassed!" Luke said. "Oh, it's a good day." He put his hands on the counter and shouted, "Coffee's free today! Just make sure you congratulate Rory and Jess on getting back together!"

A small round of applause went up throughout the diner. Jess had to look down so no one would see that he was blushing. "You suck." He growled.

Luke shrugged. "Gotta have my fun somehow. Go give your girlfriend her coffee."

Jess walked over to Rory's table, head down and coffee pot in his hand. He tried as hard as he could to ignore the 'congratulations' that the diner's patrons were throwing his way.

Rory looked up at Jess with a smile, though her cheeks were tinged with pink from blushing. "He's in a good mood."

Jess turned over Rory's coffee cup and poured her coffee. "Well, embarrassing me is apparently his favorite activity. Besides fishing and scowling."

"Because you're one to talk about scowling, right?" Lorelai asked, coming up behind him

Jess smirked tightly. "Hi Lorelai."

"Jess." Lorelai said, sliding into her seat. She held up her coffee mug, silently commanding Jess to fill her cup. "So, I hear that you and Rory are together again."

"Yup." Jess said, filling her mug.

"Will threats of castration make you treat her well?" Lorelai demanded.

"No." Jess said. "But that fact that I'm in love with her might." He walked away quickly before either mother or daughter could respond.

Lorelai turned to Rory with a teasing grin. "He loves you."

Rory blushed. "Shut up."

"He's in love with you." Lorelai said, her teasing smile widening.

"Yeah? Well, Luke's in love with you." Rory retorted with a triumphant smile, knowing that Lorelai couldn't beat that.

"He is not!" Lorelai said. "I hate it when you say that."

"Because it's true." Rory said simply.

"Is not." Lorelai said, pouting immaturely.

"He totally is. At least my diner boy is man enough to admit it. And at least I know myself well enough to know that I love him too!" Rory said.

Lorelai's eyes widened. "You think I love Luke?"

Rory just shrugged. "I think there's a good possibility."

"You think Luke loves me?" Lorelai continued.

Rory rolled her eyes. "The only response I have to that is DUH."

Lorelai sighed. "OK, this discussion has to be over now because my head hurts."

Rory shrugged. "Whatever. I'm starved."

"There's a shock." Luke said, coming up to the table with an order pad. He smiled at the two Gilmores. "Hey Lorelai, Rory."

"Hi, Luke." Rory said. "Thanks for embarrassing me and Jess like that."

"I missed an embarrassing moment?" Lorelai asked with a pout.

"I can do a repeat performance." Luke offered.

"No thanks!" Rory exclaimed.

Lorelai smiled and said, "We need a minute." Luke nodded and walked away.

At that moment, Babette leaned over from the table next to them and said, "Hey doll, glad you're back together with the kid. Gorgeous! You're both gorgeous!"

"Thanks, Babette." Rory said awkwardly.

"Morey and I were hoping you'd get back together, weren't we doll?" She asked her husband.

Morey nodded. "Yeah."

Babette smiled. "The kids are going to be gorgeous. Gorgeous!"

Rory blushed. "That's getting a little bit ahead of yourself."

Babette waved the comment off. "I've been saying since ya two got together that you should get married, haven't I, Morey?"

"Yeah." Morey said, eating his food.

Rory looked helplessly at her mother. Lorelai looked at her watch. "Rory, we've gotta get you back to school, kid. We don't have time to eat."

"Darn!" Rory said, standing up. She looked at Babette and Morey and said, "I'll see you two next time I'm in."

"Take care, doll." Babette said.

"Stay cool." Morey added.

Rory nodded. She walked up to Jess and said, "I'm gonna get going before Babette actually starts naming our children."

Jess cocked his head to the side in confusion and said, "Ok. When will I see you again?"

Rory said, "Why don't you come down to Yale later this week?"

Jess nodded and took her hands. "OK. I'll call you."

Rory nodded and leaned in for a long, lingering kiss. She pulled away and said, "I love you."

Jess smiled and leaned in again. "I love you too." They shared another kiss, but broke apart when the entire diner broke out into loud applause.

"Geez." Jess said, annoyed.

"Toast is free today too!" Luke shouted.

* * *

Rory opened her dorm room door to reveal a smiling Jess. Rory returned the smile and said, "Hey."

"Hi." Jess said, stepping in and kissing Rory lightly. "How are you?"

"Good." Rory said, closing the door. "What are you doing here?"

"Not happy to see me?" Jess said, frowning.

Rory smiled and wrapped her arms around Jess, kissing his neck. "I'm _always_ glad to see you. I just didn't know you were coming."

"Well, I had some good news and I figured it was a good excuse to drop in." Jess said, before nibbling on Rory's ear.

Rory shivered and said, "Much better than the paper cut excuse you used last time."

Jess pulled away and held up his index finger, which had a bandage on it. "It feels much better." He said, feigning innocence.

Rory giggled and sat down on the couch, motioning for Jess to do the same. "So what's the good news?"

Jess sat down and put an arm around Rory. "I'm moving out of the motel."

Rory's eyes got excited. "That is good news!" She said, taking Jess's hand in her own. "Where are you moving to?"

"The apartment complex on Plum Street." Jess responded. "Not exactly high class living, but at least I'm not paying by the day."

Rory nodded. "That's great. How can you afford it though? Is Luke paying you enough at the diner?"

"Not exactly." Jess said. "Andrew's paying me to do inventory for him a few nights a week at the bookstore. And I'm not going to have a working phone for a while to save money…or a bed."

"What? Jess! You need a bed." Rory exclaimed.

Jess shook his head. "There's a mattress already there. I'm going to sleep on that. It'll be fine. I'm also gonna do without a TV for a while, but I'll live without watching my reruns of Full House."

Rory giggled. "You watch Full House."

"So?" Jess asked defensively. "You watch Step by Step."

"Yes." Rory agreed. "But I haven't spent the last 19 years of my life trying to channel James Dean, so it's a little less embarrassing for me."

Jess just smirked. "But yeah. I'm officially moving. I get to move in next week."

Rory kissed his cheek, catching just a little of his mouth. "I'm so glad. Congratulations. This is big."

Jess shifted his position and pulled an envelope out of his back pocket. "This means, you can stop mailing this stuff to Luke and mail it directly to me."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Rory said, flashing big, innocent eyes at Rory.

Jess smirked and pulled the papers out of the envelope. It was material on several night schools and GED programs in Hartford and New Haven. "This is just the latest. I think about three more of these came to the diner since you left last weekend."

Rory shrugged. "Not my doing."

Jess just looked at her skeptically and said, "They all have New Haven postmarks."

Rory frowned. "The postmarks. Beaten by the postmarks." She said, shaking her head. "I should've covered my tracks better."

Jess sighed. "Rory, I wish you'd stop wasting your time. It isn't helping anything."

"Jess…you could do so much. I just want to see you live up to everything I know you are." Rory said, stroking his arm gently.

"Rory…" Jess said, turning to face her full on. "We've always had an unspoken agreement. No pompoms. I don't want or need a cheerleader."

"I'm not your cheerleader, Jess." Rory said. "I'm your girlfriend, and honestly, if I didn't think that doing this would make you happy, I'd drop it. But when I picture you finishing school and opening a club like you talked about, I see you happy. I just want you to be happy. I want us to be happy, and for that to happen, you are required to be happy."

"Breathe, Rory." Jess commanded with a smile. "You need to breathe during long rambles like that."

Rory sighed and inhaled deeply. "I just want you to think about it, OK?"

Jess hesitated but finally nodded. "I'll _think_ about it. I'm making no promises though, OK?"

"Deal." Rory said with an affirming nod. She leaned in closer and sealed the agreement with a long kiss. She swung her legs into Jess's lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. Jess slid his hands under her shirt and caressed her back gently as their kisses became longer and more passionate. One of Rory's hands made its way to Jess's hair as her tongue made its way into his mouth.

Rory pulled away and whispered huskily, "My roommates are going to be gone for awhile."

Jess groaned. "God, that's tempting. I promised Luke I'd help him close though."

Rory pouted and tugged on Jess's lower lip with her teeth. "What's one little broken promise?"

Jess captured her mouth in a kiss, but soon pulled away. "I have to go. Rain check?"

Rory pouted, feeling frustrated, and swung herself out of Jess's lap. "Fine. Rain check." She said, standing.

She walked Jess over to the door where he kissed her goodbye. "I love you."

"I love you too. I'll see you this weekend." Rory said, forcing a small smile.

Jess walked out of the room and, as soon as the door was closed, let out a sigh of relief.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing and am making no money from this. Besides, I want none of the blame for Season 5 Rory.

**A/N:** Well, folks, this is the last chapter! Thanks for sticking around for the ride. This story ended up in a very different place than I thought it was going to when I started it. I hope you're all happy with this ending, because I think I've wrapped everything up nicely. And now, I'll be devoting more time to **Ruined in the Rain**, as well as the story I'm writing for the Gilmore Girls ficathon on LJ. I can't reveal details, but it's NOT a Rory/Jess story, so that should be interesting to write. Anyway, let me know how you feel about this ending and the story in general! I love you all!

P.S. At the end of the chapter, I'm going to include things that never made their way into the story and feel free to comment on those too!

**Chapter 12**

Jess walked up the three flights of stairs to his apartment, still amazed that he had an apartment. He'd moved in a week ago, and it still felt bizarre to have a place that was his, a place where he lived, a place where he was home. It was taking some getting used to, but it was a nice change from the rest of his life up until this point.

Jess took out his key and went to place it in the lock. He placed his palm on the door and it gave way underneath his hand. He cocked his head to the side curiously, wondering why his door was unlocked. He pushed it open and stepped inside cautiously, looking around. There were candles lit all around the bare room, and a trail of them leading into the bedroom. Jess arched his eyebrows in skeptical shock. This was going to be interesting.

Jess tossed his keys on the scarred table and slid off his leather jacket, hanging it on the back of a chair. Curiously, he followed the trail into his bedroom. He walked through the doorway and stood there with a confident smirk that hid the excitement and shock he was feeling underneath his calm exterior. As soon as he saw the candles, he had expected Rory would be waiting, but he did not expect to be so blown away by what he saw.

There were even more candles in the bedroom, surrounding Rory with an ethereal glow. Jess's mattress, the only furniture in the room besides a dresser, was surrounded by a circle of flower petals that encircled a ring of candles. Sitting on the mattress, which had mysterious been fitted with black satin sheets, was Rory. Her legs were stretched out in front of her and crossed at the knee. On her feet were white stiletto heels. She was wearing a short, silky blue dress that Jess knew had come from Lorelai's closet. The dress stopped mid-thigh, and the thin straps were falling off her shoulders. Her short hair was in loose waves, which was the way he preferred it. She was looking up at him with big blue eyes and small, coy smile. "Hi." She whispered huskily.

Jess's mouth dropped open at the sound of her voice, as if his mind finally put the entire picture together. His mask of stoicism slipped off as he stared at his gorgeous girlfriend, sitting practically naked on black satin sheets. "Hey." He said, trying to remain calm.

Rory frowned slightly, her lower lip jutting out. "Are you just going to stand there?" She asked playfully.

Jess nodded slowly. "I think for at least a few more minutes." He said, his eyes still glued to Rory.

Rory's frown slid into a seductive smile. "Well, then." She said, sliding herself off the mattress. She carefully stood up and smoothed the front of her dress, which proved now to be completely inappropriate for anything but a seduction. She carefully nudged the candles aside with the toe of her sleek yet impractical shoe. She walked over to him and put her hands on his shoulders. Her high heels made them exactly the same height. "Hi." She whispered again.

Jess didn't respond verbally this time. He put his hands on the sides of Rory's face and brought his mouth to hers with a violent passion. Rory responded, leaning fully into Jess and wrapping her arms around his neck. Jess tangled his hands in her wavy hair, pulling her as close to him as she could. Rory used all the force in her small body to push Jess against the wall, never removing her mouth from his.

Finally, from lack of air more than anything else, Jess and Rory finally pulled apart.

"How did you get in here?" Jess asked, panting.

Rory smiled as she ran a hand along his chest. "Taylor owns this building. I told him I was decorating it for you. He said that I should get rid of all the drug paraphernalia just in case of a bust and he gave me a key."

Jess tightened his grip on her waist. "How wicked of you."

Rory shrugged, still looking at him with a completely sexual look in her eyes. "I'm an evil little girl." She whispered, laying one hand on his chest while the other worked its way up his shirt, stroking up and down the side of his torso. She leaned into him and trailed kisses on his neck.

Jess suppressed a moan. "Yes, you are." He murmured. Rory took his hands and led him over to the mattress. She sat down on the mattress and gently pulled Jess down with her. "You were right." She said, lying back. "You don't need a bed at all." She locked her hands behind Jess's neck and pulled him to her, meeting his mouth in a kiss.

Jess let himself fall to the mattress, pinning Rory to the mattress on either side with his arms. He trailed kisses from her mouth down her neck and shoulder. Rory brought her hands up to her shoulders and started to pull down the straps of her dress.

Jess's clouded, excited mind cleared at the sight of Rory's delicate hands working the straps of her dress. He stopped the trail of his mouth and sat up. "Rory, we need to talk."

Rory brought her hands away from her shoulders and looked at Jess in confusion. "I'm about to get naked and you want to talk?" She asked, shocked and disappointed. She sat up on the mattress.

"Not want to." Jess said, his longing gaze still on Rory's body. "Need to."

"OK." Rory said, not able to mask her disappointment.

"Look Rory, I…I need you to put something on." Jess said, standing up quickly. He crossed the room quickly to the closet, where he pulled out black T-shirt with a picture of The Clash written on it and the words 'Combat Rock' written underneath. He returned to Rory and tossed the shirt at her.

Rory sighed, feeling close to tears, and put the shirt on dutifully. "Did I do it wrong?" She asked.

Jess smirked and sat down next to Rory. He touched her face gently. "No, no. You did nothing wrong, Rory. You look amazing, and the apartment screams of romantic ambiance. I mean, it's perfect in a really cheesy, romantic movie that I'd mock mercilessly sort of way, and God I want you." There was so much more he wanted to say, but it was still lost behind how much he wanted to ravage his girlfriend.

Rory smiled, then looked down and toyed with the hem of Jess's shirt. She blinked tears back and asked, "It's because of Ava, right?"

Jess sighed. "Partly, yeah. I watched her die, Rory. I watched her die because she had sex. And I _know_ that the world can't stop because Ava died." He took Rory's hand and kissed her knuckles. "You taught me that."

Rory smiled lovingly at Jess before asking, "Then what's the problem?"

"I don't want us to do something if we aren't prepared for the consequences." Jess said.

Rory smirked at that. "You watched your best friend die, and I'm the product of two teenagers celebrating that midterms were over. If anybody knows about consequences, it's the two of us."

Jess nodded unsurely. "So…you're ready to do this?"

"I've been on birth control for a long time." Rory said. She patted the side of her stomach. "I use that nifty patch thing, and you really _can_ wear it in the shower."

"How long is a long time?" Jess asked, raising an eyebrow, jealousy coursing through his system.

"I got my prescription on…well, on the day you left, ironically." Rory said, suppressing the bitterness that she wanted to feel.

"You knew then that you wanted to do this, to be with me?" Jess asked, amazed and happy.

Rory smiled and said, "I _thought_ that I knew when we made up after you got that black eye. Do you remember that?"

Jess nodded and laced his fingers with Rory's. "Yeah."

"But do you know when I absolutely _knew_?" Rory asked.

Jess smirked and said, "The moment you laid eyes on me?"

Rory laughed. "Not exactly. We were walking down the street to the diner and it started to rain. I wanted to hurry and get to the diner because we were getting soaked. You wouldn't let me walk any faster though. You wrapped an arm around me and said that it was kind of nice. Then you kissed me, and I knew I was in love with you and that I wanted to...be with you, and only you."

Jess smiled widely and wrapped an arm around her tightly. "Do you know when I knew?"

"Yup." Rory said with a smug smile.

"Oh you do?" Jess said. "Fill me in."

Rory looked up at Jess with a happy smile and wistful eyes. "That exact same moment."

Jess nodded and placed his forehead against Rory's. "Yeah." He whispered. "That exact same moment."

Rory leaned in to kiss Jess, but he pulled away again. "There's something else."

"What?" Rory asked, trying to think of what else could be holding him back. "Are you a virgin?"

Jess laughed loudly. "Umm, no." he said, still chuckling. Then, he stopped and thought for a moment. "Sort of."

Rory arched one eyebrow. "Sort of?" She mimicked. "How can you sort of be a virgin?"

Jess smiled down at her and said, "I've never had sex with someone I loved before."

Rory smiled brightly. "Oh, you're good. You can be quite charming when you want to be."

"It's a gift." Jess shrugged. "I _do_ love you, and I do want to do this with you. But, we've got time. It doesn't have to be tonight." He kissed her gently on the cheek.

Rory turned to him and the passion returned to her eyes. "What if I want to do it tonight?" She demanded, sliding her hands into the waistband of his jeans.

Jess smirked. "Yeah?" He asked, bringing his mouth to her ear.

"Yeah." Rory responded, unbuttoning his jeans tentatively.

"Well," Jess murmured, "you do look damn sexy in my T-shirt. I can only imagine how you'll look out of it."

Rory peeled the shirt off and kissed Jess. "Less playful banter." She murmured between kisses. "More nonverbal communication."

Jess removed his shirt and slid the straps of Rory's dress down her shoulders. "Yes ma'am." He said, flattening himself against her.

* * *

Rory and Jess were still lying on his mattress, entangled to the point where neither was able to move. The candles had long since melted down and burned out, leaving only the rising sun to illuminate the room.

Rory had been asleep for hours and her rhythmic breathing was both a comfort and a terror to Jess, who was wide-awake. For hours now, he'd been staring at Rory while she dozed comfortably, curled up into him. They'd had sex three times before Rory finally fell asleep, and each time had been better than the previous one. Jess could feel his body begging for sleep, but his brain wouldn't allow it.

His first instinct was to bail. As soon as Rory drifted off to sleep, everything in him told him to detangle himself from her, run as fast as he could, and never come back. The fact that they were in his apartment meant nothing. His gut wanted him to run like Hell.

His heart wanted him to never move from this spot. This was love. If there had been any doubt in his mind that this was love, it had been completely erased. He was completely and fully in love with Rory Gilmore, and it was terrifying to him. He had never been so close to somebody before, and he didn't know what to do. If it was anybody else at any other point in his life, he would've ran. He would've let his fear of intimacy and fear of screwing up win and he would've destroyed it all. Not now though, and not with her. He didn't want to screw up. He was going to try to make this work. He was going to try to be a person that Rory deserved. Would he succeed? No, probably not. Jess knew one thing though. Right now, wrapped up with Rory on a mattress in his bare apartment, life was perfect.

* * *

**Christmas Eve**

"It's a beautiful tree." Rory said, sipping a hot cup of coffee.

"It sure is, kiddo." Lorelai said, draping an arm around her daughter's shoulders. They were standing in The Dragonfly, which hadn't even opened yet. They were doing a test run with all the people from the town, and had decided that the perfect day to bring everyone together was Christmas Eve. The idea of spending Christmas with all of their family and friends had excited Lorelai so much that no one could talk her out of it. The residents of Stars Hollow had loved the idea and the entire town had showed up to see The Dragonfly Inn and spend Christmas with them.

"It's a beautiful inn too." Rory said brightly, leaning her head on her mother's shoulder.

Lorelai beamed proudly. "Yeah, it is, isn't it?" She kissed the top of her daughter's head. "Merry Christmas, baby."

"Merry Christmas, mom." Rory said.

"I'm gonna go see how my mom and dad are settling in. Might as well get my mom's criticism out of the way as soon as possible." Lorelai said, her smile wavering just a little.

"There isn't anything that they could say, mom. It's perfect." Rory said insistently.

"Thanks, babe." Lorelai said, squeezing her daughter's shoulder before walking away. Rory stood in the same spot, looking at the beautiful pine tree. She, her mother, Jess, and Luke had decorated it a few days ago. That was a good day. Lorelai and Jess had gone the entire day without a single rude comment to each other. It'd been the closest they'd ever come to getting along. It had also been the day that Luke had finally asked Lorelai on a date.

Rory felt hands on her waist and she smiled. "Hi."

Jess turned her around to face him and kissed her lightly. "Hi."

Rory wrapped her arms around his neck. "It looks amazing, huh?"

Jess nodded. "If I was a little more sentimental, I might use the word magical."

"Good thing you aren't sentimental." Rory said, smiling. She kissed him lightly.

"I wanna give you your presents now." Jess said, leaning in and kissing Rory's neck.

"Dirty." Rory said, kissing him.

"You are your mother's daughter." Jess said, rolling his eyes.

"Well, who am I to argue?" Rory said, smiling. "I have presents for you too."

Jess took her hand and they walked over to the tree, where they both sat down cross-legged on the floor. There were people all around them, enjoying their Christmas Eve, but Rory and Jess didn't notice anybody but each other. They never did. They each picked up packages and handed them to the other one.

"You open one, and then I'll open one." Rory said firmly.

Jess nodded his agreement and selected a hefty, rectangular package that he knew was a book. He unwrapped it quickly and saw that it was, in fact, two books. The first The Complete Plays of Arthur Miller. Jess had been debating buying it for weeks, knowing that it was really too expensive for him to afford, especially with the pressure of getting Rory a gift on his shoulders. Jess next looked at the second book, which was a very thin, hardbound volume. Emblazoned in gold was the title The Ocean and New York: The Travels of a Rebel with a Cause. On the bottom, was the name **Jess Mariano**. Jess looked up at Rory quizzically.

Rory smiled at him. "I had your diary bound as a book."

"OK, for the last time, it is _not _a diary. But this is amazing." Jess said, looking down at the book again. He looked up at Rory and said, "_You're_ amazing."

"Yeah," Rory said with a happy grin. "I know."

Jess could do nothing but smile at her as she took her first gift and delicately removed the newspaper he used to wrap it. Rory removed a long, velvet box and opened it to reveal a silver bracelet. It had tiny, almost nonexistent sapphires dotting it. "Jess." She breathed. "It's absolutely gorgeous."

"Turn it over." Jess commanded softly.

Rory did as she was commanded and saw that it was engraved. In delicate script were the words '_Is this not the true romantic feeling…'_

"Not to desire to escape life, but to prevent life from escaping you." Rory finished the quote with tears in her eyes. "Thomas Wolfe."

"Thomas Wolfe." Jess affirmed. Rory smiled at Jess and leaned forward to kiss him. Their lips brushed together delicately and Rory whispered, "I love you."

"I love you too." They returned to their positions and Rory wiped at her eyes, afraid she was going to cry.

"Open your next present." Rory commanded.

Jess picked up the thin package and opened it. His breath caught in his throat and tears filled his eyes as he looked at it. It was the picture frame from his room in New York, and in it was the picture of him, Billy, and Ava.

"Rory." He gasped, looking up at her and blinking back his tears.

"You were right." Rory said quietly, looking up from where she was clasping the bracelet on her wrist. "She really _was_ beautiful."

Jess was incapable of words for the first time in his life. There'd been many times where he refused to speak, but this was the first time where he was unable to speak. Instead, he just looked up at Rory with a baffled expression on his face.

Rory smiled at him. "Luke gave me your mother's address. She gave me the frame and told me where to find Billy. He's a nice guy. He said that he knew who I was by my eyes. Apparently, you waxed poetic about them."

Jess rolled his eyes. "I do _not_ wax poetic. All I told him was that you had the most beautiful blue eyes I'd ever seen."

"For you, that's waxing poetic." Rory said, amusedly. "He was nice. We went and made a copy of the photo from his. He said that he hoped you found what you were looking for." Rory looked up at him hopefully. "Did you?"

Jess stroked the side of her face. "You know I did." He looked down at the photograph. "This is the most amazing thing that anybody's every done for me. You're the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me."

Rory grinned stupidly and said, "Says the boy who _doesn't_ wax poetic."

Jess rolled his eyes. "Can we just have a nice, non-sarcastic moment?"

Rory shrugged. "Where's the fun in that?"

"God." Jess said, faux-exasperated. "When did we switch places?"

Rory just shrugged again.

Jess looked down again at the picture frame in his lap. "Thank you." He whispered.

"You're welcome." Rory said, happy to see Jess's eyes actually sparkle with happiness at the sight of the photo.

"Maybe you and I could take the bus to New York one day." Jess offered quietly. "Spend the day with Billy."

Rory's eyes widened. She knew how huge it was that he was trying to share his passion for bus riding with her. She nodded, trying to keep her happiness as subdued as possible. "I'd like that."

"One more." Jess said, handing Rory her other present with a smile.

Rory opened her gift and looked at it curiously. It was a framed piece of paper.

_Dear Mr. Mariano,_

_Thank you for your interest in continuing your education. We've received your check and are writing to confirm that you have a seat guaranteed for you for our next session. Classes begin January 15th. Welcome to the program, and you will receive more information soon._

_Dr. Bradley Mathews_

She looked up at Jess, confused. Jess smirked and said. "It's my confirmation letter. I'm starting night school in January."

Rory's grin widened and she dove across the space on top of her boyfriend. She pinned him to the ground and kissed him passionately. Jess wrapped his arms around her waist as they kissed.

Rory lifted her head and said, "You really love me."

Jess shrugged. "You're OK."

Rory laughed and tickled Jess's sides gently. He laughed lightly and said, "You know I love you. I'd do anything for you."

"I'd do anything for you too." Rory replied huskily, that now-familiar look of desire filling her eyes.

Jess grinned at her. "Care to prove that?"

Rory hopped up and offered Jess her hands. He took them and the two stood for a moment, looking into each other's eyes. "If we go upstairs now, everyone's gonna know why." Jess said cautiously.

Rory grinned. "So let them know that we're in love. After all we've been through, we've earned it."

Hand-in-hand, Jess and Rory made their way upstairs.

**The End**

* * *

**Things That Never Were:**

_-Rory_ was going to be the one who said I loved you but didn't mean it. Her brilliant idea was going to be that if Jess thought she loved him would save him, then she'd lie. Jess was going to leave when he found out.

-Luke and Jimmy were going to get into a fight that turned physical, leaving Jess so disgusted with the two of them thathe ran off without saying a word to anybody.

-Ava was actually originally going to die in a car accident while Jess was driving.

-Billy was supposed to play more of a role,being a lot more hostile and causing a lot more troublefor Jess and Rory.

-Dean was planned to make an appearance, involving several delicious verbal thrashings by Jess.

**_Alternate Version of Bend and Not Break:_**

Jess was actually mailing the letters to Rory as he wrote them, leaving her to find the bulk of them when she returned from Europe. She'd recieve only the last few as they arrived, and she excitedly prepares for Jess's return. However, Jess dies in a bus accident on the way back to her, leaving her heartbroken and destroyed, but also bitter that he disappointed her once again. (Bet you're as glad as I am that's not the way I went!)


End file.
